FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

The Worst Issue Ever

Dos & Don'ts

News flash! Blondes DO have more fun.
VICE Staff
Κείμενο VICE Staff
1.12.04

News flash! Blondes DO have more fun. They DO party with the biggest names in both hardcore punk and hardcore fashion, and they are DOs.

P.S. Deryck, we are loving those cheekbones!!! [

Can we expect to see him on a runway this season? — Ed.

]

And then there's the ultimate bastion of class, G to the W to the Yneth! I wouldn't want her to show up like this to my funeral. She'd put everyone in a great mood and they'd instantly forget why I killed myself.   If Pee-wee Herman got his hands out of his pants and posed for the cover of GQ he would STILL have nothing on the Brodester. Part streets of New York, part sultry genius, and all "what's up?" this gregarious Jew never fails to get the black women shaking in their boot(y)s.

Talk about aging gracefully, Britney has gone from "just a girl" past "more than a woman" and right over to "revolutionary drag-queen S&M superstar." We're not sure where she's going with this, but we know one thing: It's working!   Fuck those people that say this Scottish faggot sucked a million cocks to get where he is. Look at that attitude. He's like a Trojan horse that snuck into Hollywood through the back door and popped out going, "Whatever, people! In your face!"

The only problem with black women is that darn nappy hair. It's so curly, it's worse than the Jews'. Thank God Beyoncé had the sense [

and the cash! — Ed.

ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ

] to stitch long, beautiful, white-woman hair onto her head. Now she's got the best of all worlds. What's her brain, Asian?   Um, can anyone pronounce the words "hunk alert"? I can. Holy shit, are these FOX foxes ever foxy. Imagine their nude cocks all over your face. It's like, "HELLO!"

[

What?—Ed.

]

And you thought Jessica was adorable. While her big sister is complaining about high heels on the beach, Ashlee is jumping in puddles with her black Chuck Taylors in a total "fuck George Bush" kind of way. She's like a female version of Chaos UK.   "Slap lots of it on, girls," said the immortal Tammy Faye on ET last year. And the queen of power-ska-pop ran with it [

all the way to the bank!—Ed.

]. Hey, baby! Thanks for hammering home to us the incredible magic a bit of M.A.C. can do.

He may be abnormally small in stature, but have you heard about his dick? They had to cut it out of movies because it made everyone too horny. What more would you expect from Hollywood's biggest bad boy? Gelled hair, wool hats, leather wristbands, AND A BABY! Put a fork in this bad boy, he's DOne.   Is her sexaholic boyfriend nuts? Any guy in his right mind would love to stay faithful to Halle Berry and make love to her all the time. She has really great breasts!

[

I'd absolutely LOVE to tit-fuck her! — Ed.

]

Hey stumpy, what are you, human garbage? He even pissed his pants. Ha ha, what a drunk homeless person.

Ha ha, you died. Not only did you look like shit and have diabetes, but you fucking died. Ha ha.   You know you're a DON'T when even God hates you. Way to pass out in your wheelchair, you junkie loser. See you at the wake, Mr. Zero.

Hey, zit face! Could you have more zits on your face, please? You have totally bad skin. Ha ha.   You know what tired is in French? Fatigué. It's pronounced "fat 'n' gay," and you are both!

Good morning, douchebag. Yeah, that's right. I'm way more fortunate than you and that is why I'm laughing my head off and taking pictures of your sorry ass. Ha ha.

Hey, stupid bitch cunt whore! You don't give blowjobs with your ear. It's supposed to go in your mouth! Can she be more wasted, please? What a DON'T!   Hey guy, way to fucking puke your guts out. Do you think you look even one bit remotely cool? This fat fucking faggot is a definite DON'T!

Look at Mr. Fatso here. Maybe the guy wouldn't be so fat if he weren't such a disgusting poor person who eats shitty food. Could he be more working-class? Ha ha.   Hey Rico, wake up, your green card is here. Just kidding, you're still an illegal alien with a drinking problem who's going to die soon. Don't worry, you're still a DO… NOT!