The Future Was Bullshit

Thinking about the state of technology today makes us want to curl up in the fetal position and cry like the Star-Child from the end of

(if it had galactic diaper rash). Where is all the cool future stuff they promised us in cartoons and sci-fi movies from the 50s through the 70s? What is with this primitive life we’re all leading?

According to the future of the past, we should be cruising around in flying cars, living forever, and shooting our enemies with death rays so that they won’t live forever. Yet here we are, driving in cars on the ground, dying in our 80s, and having to resort to bullets for our murdering needs. WTF, future? In fact, you know what? Fuck flying cars. We should just be teleporting everywhere by now. Fuck!

Here are the current states of some imminent technological breakthroughs that have yet to break through, as told to us by the people who might actually finally make them happen.

Tap, tap, tap. We’re waiting…

LASER GUNS

Peter A. Schlesinger, president, HSV Technologies:

The verdict:

REVERSAL OF AGING

Aubrey de Grey, biomedical gerontologist; BA, MA, and PhD, University of Cambridge:

The verdict:

SERVANT ROBOTS

Hiroshi Ishiguro, professor and director of the Intelligent Robotics Lab, Osaka University:

The verdict:

ULTRA-INVASIVE SATELLITE SURVEILLANCE

John Smart, futurist; founder and president of the Acceleration Studies Foundation; MS in futures studies, University of Houston:

The verdict:

QUANTUM TELEPORTATION

Sougato Bose, professor of physics, University College, London:

Star Trek

The verdict:

FLYING CARS

John Bakker, original developer of the PAL-V and chief technology officer of PAL-V Europe NV:

The verdict:

TIME TRAVEL

Paul Davies, director, Beyond: Center for Fundamental Concepts in Science, Arizona State University:

The verdict: