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The Anal Sex Issue

Queeries

What's with you guys and skinheads? Why do you like them so much? They must hate that.It bugs them a lot because most of them are fags. It's that old thing that the biggest homophobes are the biggest homos. That's why they hate it. But...
VICE Staff
Κείμενο VICE Staff

What’s with you guys and skinheads? Why do you like them so much? They must hate that.

It bugs them a lot because most of them are fags. It’s that old thing that the biggest homophobes are the biggest homos. That’s why they hate it. But skinheads, whether they’re closeted or white supremacists, are always hot. Have you ever seen an ugly or out of shape one? Being angry burns up a lot of calories and you can’t be a skinny rake or fat lard ass and beat people up all the time.

ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ

What’s with really hot, young guys with old, fat, hairy guys? You called them "bears" before

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What’s with your hot women going for fat, hairy guys with button dicks buried under rolls of blubber? Hello!

They’re rich, doye. Do you think Mariah Carey was into Tommy Mottola for his looks? Bears aren’t rich.

Not always. Most women that marry the Mottolas of the world just figure all men will turn fat and bald, so why fight it? Hot young fags "settle" for that because that’s what they like. They know they could get better.

What’s your guys’ favorite website?

Any website about fine wines is good but the "Bodies Who Don’t Like Snatch Snatchers" is our favorite. They’re in charge of matching hot guy bods with celebrity heads and it’s hi-LA-rious.

What percent of fags are over the fact that they’re fags? You know, like, it’s not their identity. They are just regular guys who drink beer and like hip hop and Nikes but they have a boyfriend.

Fifty-three percent and growing. But that’s because there are all these straight people who have a same-sex experience and think they must be gay. We’re accepting way too many of you purely on the basis of confusion and not on hardcore homo credentials like rearranging all your hall walking in high school so you could go by the hot guy’s locker and get a glance. That’s a gay.

What are those guys called? Are they called "normies" or something?

"Blenders," or just boring.

ΔΙΑΦΗΜΙΣΗ

What did you think of our VICE guide to anal sex on p.76? Bruce La Bruce said it was fascinating to see how heteros did it, like watching ants in an ant colony or something

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I had no idea you guys did that. Why don’t you douche?

It’s more of a dirty thing for us so we don’t have the foresight to prepare

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Oh, so you like the brown bits? We clean it first. You should check out these fag porns where the guys go into the shower and shove nozzles up their butts. Some even fill up their anal cavity big time and shoot the water out across the tub and give their buddy the old gay geyser right in the face.