Filibustin' with Willie D - Bury Me Drama Free

People act so ignorant at funerals. I have witnessed relatives duke it out over everything from inheritances to the color of the casket. Once during the eulogy of a friend of mine, I literally saw a pimp and two of his hos in full costume walk straight up to the front and hug the deceased’s mother. Whether it’s guilt that drives people to act a fool during funerals, greed, or the fact that they are opportunists seeking to shine at the expense of the dead—upstaging the deceased is not a good look. Sometimes people can be overwhelmed with genuine grief, but more often than not the people who do all of that over the top crying and yelling are just there to put on a show.

Recently, my 72-year-old uncle died of lung cancer. His brother wanted to say a few words during the funeral service. However, my uncle’s wife denied him because he didn’t visit my uncle once while he was on his deathbed, even though my uncle, who was sick for over a year, had requested his presence and lived just twenty minutes away in the next town. He acted as though he had a problem with the decision but I’m glad he played it cool, otherwise the headlines might have read “Rapper Pimp Slaps Old Man at Funeral for Stepping to Nice Old Lady.”

My cousin Diane is a funeral clown. When her younger sister died, her mother put her in charge of the obituary programs. Big mistake! This damn fool used a picture of my dead cousin smoking a cigarette for the cover. Naturally my aunt had new programs made, which Diane didn’t appreciate. On the day of the funeral ushers were at the door passing out my aunt’s new programs to mourners as they walked into the church. Diane was on the other side of the door handing out her smoked-out programs like a promoter at the club passing out flyers.

When my great-grandmother died years ago, my Aunt Lilly was so distraught that she made several attempts to climb inside of the casket. She kept screaming, “Mama Loudie, Mama Loudie! Take me with you, I wanna go!” Exasperated, my fish dinner selling, church going, .38 Special packing, 6 foot 1, real life Madea, grandmother said, “Let her ass go!” Then she snatched my aunt by the arm and tried to force her inside the casket. My aunt promptly had a change of heart and hollered, “No, Noooo! I don’t want to go!” That was the last time my aunt tried to climb inside of a casket.

To deter this kind of foolishness from occurring at my funeral I have expressed the following wishes to my closest family members and friends. Feel free to use this plan for yourself.

WILLIE D’S PLAN

The Last Remarks
Absolutely no one besides the people listed on the obituary program will have the opportunity to speak. Most of the people who randomly speak at funerals just want attention. Some of them flat out lie about memories and events with the deceased who obviously cannot refute their remarks.

The Sermon
The sermon will be limited to thirty minutes. I will not allow my funeral to be used as a platform for Bishop Dollar Bill to hear himself talk or recruit lost souls. All of us preach our own eulogy everyday of our lives. There’s not much anyone can say after that.

The Hymnals
There will be no long drawn out sad songs by Mahalia Jackson and Luther Vandross knock offs. Trust me, my family will not need any extra encouragement to express their emotions. If a song must be played, jam something inspirational by Stevie Wonder, James Taylor, or the Geto Boys.

The Task Force
There will be an anti-screaming task force on hand to immediately put a muzzle on the face of anyone who decides to hoop and holler. I’m sick of seeing fools fall out screaming at funerals. Other mourners end up missing part of the service because they have to walk them out and calm their silly ass down.

The Motorcade
No expense will be spared for security. In addition to motorcycle cops there will be patrol cars on standby for transport purposes. If any of my crazy family members starts acting a fool in any way, instructions are to lock their ass up on sight. I would have wanted it that way.

Whatever a person’s stature was in life, big or small, if they were not acknowledged any other day, the day that they are laid to rest is their day. It should be observed and respected without being tarnished by bad memories created from attention skanks.

I may not be physically present but my spirit will live on. So if anyone goes against my wishes I will return to haunt their ass.

Thank you for your love and support in this difficult time.

Willie D is a founding member of the legendary rap group the Geto Boys. Follow him on Twitter: @WillieDLIVE

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