Tame That Mane

Body grooming, or “manscaping,” is now a full blown modern phenomenon among men who want to look and feel their very best. Whether you’re a metrosexual or just a guy who wants his junk to be presentable, before you dudes go crazy with the razor, consider what the woman you get naked in front of is going to think about your strategic shaving. We asked a female to friend to give us a head-to-sack guide on how to organize your body hair chaos.

Head/Face

This seems like a good place to start - it’s the first thing she’s going to see. First of all, keep it simple, pay attention to your body strengths and limitations. Example: if you can’t grow a beard, don’t grow a beard. There’s nothing worse than meeting with a blind date and realizing that the guy you’ve been expecting to sleep with, is actually a man-child with peach fuzz on the top of his lip screaming to be shaved. You are in control of your own beard. Just make it go away. Unless you are paid 15 million dollars a year to pitch in the big leagues, goatees are never EVER allowed.

Chest Hair

I understand a lot of men feel the need to deal with their hairy chests because it’s always there when they look in the mirror, screaming for attention. But if you’re the kind of guy who is always shirtless and looking in the mirror, you probably have a lot more problems than the hair on your man-boobs…oops, I mean pecks. Here are some things you could do with your built-in hair shirt: 1) Give it a neat geometrical shape. It’s simple, and approachable. 2) shave the emblem of a comic book hero into it. Your friends will gain a lot of respect for you. 3) Put some complex swirl patterns into it. This will indicate the depth of your personality and highlight your artistic side.

Back Hair

This is weird. It happens. Usually in patches, but so what? I knew a guy who used to get his mother to shave his back for him because he couldn’t reach it himself. Sure it sounds disturbing but kudos to him for not wanting his back to look like a scary Dalmatian. Here’s a little advice: choose the wax over the razor if you intend on having sex with someone after you’ve groomed yourself. Everyone knows that stubble feels like sandpaper, so just be considerate! Plus, shaved hair is totally obvious when it grows in, but waxed hair is soft and subtle. You may think that waxing is the girlier option of the two, but truthfully, you’ve already threatened your masculinity by acknowledging your body hair as something manageable, so you might as well go all the way. Think about your future-lovers, in general, as people with nerve-endings. Plus, getting an professional aesthetician to wax your back is not nearly as humiliating as getting your girlfriend, mother, roommate or random homeless guy to shave it for you.

The Pubis

This region is all about utility. Think about what you want. Consider the fact that all women started off as girls, and all girls have been repulsed by the sight of a male wang-a-lang, at some point in their lives. Therefore, no matter what you do, there will always be a hidden (sometimes not hidden) tinge of revulsion that she has to get over when confronted with your dangling package. So again, what is it that you want? Think about the mechanics of how this is going to work out. Once I slept with a guy who shaved off everythingto make himself look bigger. I thought it was weird at first, but it ended up being totally true. It was like a lot bigger. So not only did it make him feel more confident with himself, that confidence made him more capable. That’s what it’s really all about. If waxing Admiral Winkyton’s beard into a perfectly coiffed triangle makes you feel better about yourself, then more power to you. Just remember to clean up the bathroom when you’re finished. That’s probably more of a deal-breaker than any of the above.

Toe and Feet Hair

Unless you are an actual Sasquatch, I doubt your feet are all that bad. In case this assumption is false, here are a couple of tips: DON’T WEAR SANDALS. What are you thinking BRO? No girl is going to see you in your thong sandals and get excited at the sight of your knuckle sprouts worming their way out of your summer footwear. Just suck it up and get rid of that foot-fuzz. Problem solved.

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