As I type this, I am insanely sick and snots are coming out of my nose all over the place. What happens when I’m really sick is that I become even MORE hungry for sexy stuff than I usually am, because I want to be pampered, but lack the energy I normally put into making sex a mutually athletic experience. In times like these I wish that I could get down with penis in a real way, and not just the normal way where it seems like a great idea in my head, but is actually the most revolting thing I could imagine actually happening in real life. Lacking energy and the ability to follow through physically with all the sexy creative stuff in your brain is fine when you’re near a penis, because then you can just roll over onto your stomach, stick your parts up in the air, and grunt “fill ‘er up” before shutting your eyes and taking a snooze. If all goes well, you’ll wake up well rested, a few hours closer to health, and pleasantly sore in your vagina.
If I were able to have a penis touch my skin and not immediately feel violated and want to flee, right now, in my present condition, I would want that penis to be attached to Paul Banks. Chances are you already know who Paul Banks is, but because it’s always safe to assume there are a few actual retards and morons reading these things, I’ll break it down for you. Paul Banks is the lead singer of the NYC-based band Interpol and his voice sounds like a scary, sexy monster hiding underneath your bed, waiting for the chance to give you orgasms. You know how people have that fear that if they dangle their feet over the side of the bed, a monster will pop out from underneath it and grab and bite them? Well I like to always bring a positive PMA into my life, so I turn that into a fear that if my vagina, mouth, or butthole somehow find their way over the edge of my bed, Paul Banks will leap out from underneath it and shove his tongue or penis into them. Scary!!!!! And yet, EXCITING and USEFUL!
I have only seen Interpol perform once and it was in Manhattan last winter. I went with my friend Jen who is a fancy and glamorous lady and the whole day leading up to the show she was like, “Oh my God, if they play “Untitled” I’m gonna jizz in my skirt.” There were a lot of douche bags there with their asshole, slutty dates, and one of the slutty girls tried to befriend us. We talked to her for a little while, but then we got embarrassed, thinking like “Oh God, what if people see us talking to her and think that we actually like her and are talking to her because we want to?” So we stopped talking to her, but it was too late—at that point she thought we were all BFFS. Once Interpol started playing this broad started dancing all up on us like she was trying to get a mosh pit going or something, and in the middle of us being so annoyed, the first notes of “Untitled” started playing and that was Jen’s cue to yell “STOP HITTING ME” in the girl’s face. The girl stopped slam dancing, Jen was able to hear her fave song and jizz in her skirt in peace, and I put my coat over my lap and I just sat there in silence and thought about whether or not Paul has blonde pubes. I bet he does.
I learned a new thing yesterday in a rap song that I’d like to close with. Some lady was rapping about wanting a big dick to “hit all her walls.” That makes me think of a pinball game where the body of the game is a vagina and the little penis balls shoot out and hit up against all the walls, gaining points. I would like Paul Banks’ penis balls to gain life points by bouncing against my pinball machine vagina walls. That’s all.
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