My eyes are currently bleeding semen. Each moment they remain open, it feels like vats of acid are being poured into my retinas. The excruciating pain is a direct result of watching porn for the past 12 hours straight. I look and feel like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange when his eyes are propped open and he’s forced to watch acts of horrendous violence to “cure” his more despicable tendencies. But, in my case, the saddest part is that I volunteered for this punishment. I’ve been in the middle of editing the latest episodes of Skinema, which focus on the extreme-sex performer Belladonna, so myself and Andy Capper (the series’s co-producer) have been saddled with the task of going through more than 200 of her Evil Angel DVDs to look for the best selects.
Over the past half day, I have witnessed her do just about every possible sexual act a person can partake in, all of which usually involve anywhere from one to four penises. I have watched her body change from an 18-year-old’s to a 30-year-old’s in one sitting. She has transformed from a doe-eyed, ditzy dame to a strong, cocksure woman before my eyes… and, as of this writing, I’ve only made it through ten DVDs. Porn was not meant to be watched this way, but on the bright side, I only have 98 more to go. Please kill me. (I’m pretty sure this is my payback for the past 12 years of my not really watching any of the movies I’ve “reviewed” in this column.)
I’m sure many of you are wondering why I’m pissing and moaning, questioning how hard it could possibly be to fast-forward through hardcore sex scenes to find the rare, usable parts of the videos that will keep my show at an R rating. And you are entirely justified to wonder that; the process is quite simple and quick. The difficult part comes with watching the behind-the-scenes footage shot by Bella’s estranged husband/director, Aiden Riley. Over my year and a half of filming the couple, their relationship changed into something else (which you’ll see play out in the episodes), but for the better part of the past decade, Aiden was the man behind the lens shooting as his wife took two dicks in her ass—and every other manner of fuck, suck, and jerk. When Bella wasn’t having sex, Aiden liked to point the camera at her and have very personal conversations for the BTS footage, which generally provides an additional two hours of supplemental material for each feature film.
It’s in these conversations that I’m finding the real gold. She discusses her personal life frankly and without hesitation: how she cheated on Aiden, how she liked to service other men, just not her husband, and how she fucks other men while Aiden waits at home to paint her toenails. There is no fast-forwarding. I must watch each and every minute to make certain I don’t miss any gems.
In the past 12 hours, I haven’t had one boner. I am desensitized. I’m considering raping my sleeping wife to see if I’m still human. Instead, I will watch one more DVD, Dick Sauce, because the silly animal hats the girls are wearing are oddly familiar—they look exactly like the hats Belladonna and I wore to dinner with her preteen daughter and her daughter’s friend when I was in LA last month. But they couldn’t be. Could they?
Could that possibly be the lovely Katie St. Ives blowing Mr. Pete in the very same bunny-rabbit hat that Belladonna gave me as a gift to wear when playing with my children? The same bunny hat I put on my grandmother’s head to take a funny photo? Yes, yes it is. At least it was only a blowjob, right? In the BTS footage Katie admits, “I have a raging yeast infection. That’s why I can’t have sex today.” I’m going to bed with the belief that Belladonna must have had the hat dry-cleaned. Right? She had to at least do that.