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The Cops Issue

Pink In Blue

In a recent, publicly-funded questionnaire, the hot news was that among 6,300 Dutch cops only four percent admitted to being gay.
Κείμενο Dick Palestino

Photo by Rex Features

In a recent, publicly-funded questionnaire, the hot news was that among 6,300 Dutch cops only four percent admitted to being gay. Now, according to the laws of nature, which were written by God’s assistants, The Wizard of Oz and Shrek, the whole world is ten percent gay. Even though there’s been no recorded rise in homophobic crime whatsoever, Holland’s National Gay Police Network is outraged that six percent of Dutch cops are “in the closet” and not openly flaunting their sexuality in public. As the whole world yawned, the NGPN’s President Jan Snijder, jumped up and down in a frenzy of frustration and commissioned ANOTHER survey called: “How gay are the Dutch police?” WTF? Jan’s lengthy report bleats: “Five percent (of male police) MUST be gay or bisexual. Being open about that is not such a big issue for lesbians. They are more visible. I think that a lot of lesbians feel attracted to this profession. Homosexual male officers however are practically invisible.” So obsessed is Jan with telling the world about what crimefighters do with their dicks, he’s set about “emancipating” gay cops in different ways. He’s spending public funds by increasing adverts for police jobs in gay magazines. On Pink Saturday, the rainbow flag is hoisted on every police station in the Netherlands and this year, on that same day, gay cops are allowed to march in uniforms for the first time. Weirdly, the cops are not allowed to take part in the boating parade on Amsterdam’s Gay Pride March in August. Jan recently told the press: “It’s too outrageous! It’s a carnival for hysterical stereotypes. The first time it was really wonderful but now it is just sexually orientated.” Eh? “I was 38 when I realised I was gay,” he continued. “I was never aware before because when your sex life with your wife is good you never question it. But then I got these fantasies and they kept coming.” So, Jan divorced his wife and told his boss and staff all about it. And now he’s telling everybody he can in the whole world about it in intimate detail. For those of you who want to know or care, the main facts are: 1. He has been in a non-monogamous relationship for the past 12 years. 2. His two daughters are fine with it. 3. He likes to go to sex parties but he’s NOT into rubber or leather. Ever the statesman, Jan recently revealed in an interview: “When people want to do so I have no problem. But I am not excited about it.” Hey Jan, last week my apartment got burgled and it took police an hour to turn up. Would they have got there faster if they were wearing pink wristbands? I sound like my dad here, but for the love of God’s balls, you really have to work on your priorities. DICK PALESTINO