If this is a remake of that Kubrick film then I don’t see the resemblance between the cover model, Bobbi Starr, and Nicole Kidman. If it’s not then… I totally do. (In a show of class, I will refrain from commenting on Kubrick’s recent court drama and extradition from Switzerland stemming from the drugging and sodomizing of a 13-year-old girl back in 1977.) I hope I’m not ruining the plot of Ass Wide Open for anyone by saying there’s a lot of anal sex in this film. I particularly like the part where Ashley Blue sticks her entire hand up there (except the thumb! That’s the law in America: Fist away, just no thumb. It’s referred to as the Hitchhiker’s Sex Law in Harvard law books). It’s as if she was meeting the person who lives in her butt for the first time and introducing herself with a neighborly handshake.
Recently I was asked to come up with a number of silly Valentine’s Day drawerings for the beer brand that everyone at Vice loves so much, Colt 45. One of the many that were rejected featured Lando Calrissian sticking out of a crudely drawn woman’s butt with a roof above it and an Andersen window on each butt cheek (you couldn’t tell from the shit drawering that they were Andersen windows. But I’m telling you, they were). The text read: “If I Lived in Your Butt, I’d Be Home Already.” I thought that it conveyed a real personal message; as if Lando was trying to be closer to the consumer and in turn, maybe, just maybe, bring all of us a little closer too. It was inspired by the saying “Keep Jesus in your heart this Christmas.” I guess the message I was trying to send was “World peace now.” Maybe it didn’t come across in my drawering (I thought it did, but art is subjective), but that’s what I was going for. And who better to send that message than Lando Calrissian?
I don’t want this to sound racist but I just think that now that we finally have a black president and black people are finally allowed to play professional basketball, we should have all of our powerful messages spoken by black men and women. It’s obvious that they are the only ones we listen to. I trust no weatherman but Al Roker. I believe in equal rights but I don’t think white people should be allowed to work in the media (I’m an exception. I’m part black). I just don’t listen to anything white people have to say. I stopped listening to them years ago. It’s high time we get rid of the white news anchors and replace them with black ones. And while we’re cleaning house I think that, in the future, karate should be a required class from kindergarten through college. I think we’d be in fewer wars if other countries knew that every one of us knew karate. WORLD PEACE NOW.