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Condom Songs of the World

As you should know from our recent Global Trend Report, there are some disgustingly diseased penises and vaginas out there (we're looking at you, Sweden). Which is why it's strange that condoms are so hilarious.
Jonathan Smith
Κείμενο Jonathan Smith
01 Μάρτιος 2011, 5:11pm

As you should know from our recent Global Trend Report, there are some disgustingly diseased penises and vaginas out there (we're looking at you, Sweden). Which is why it's strange that condoms are so hilarious. No one would argue that wiener socks aren't a total drag to wear, but it's one of those situations where you have to do something slightly uncomfortable for a while in exchange for not catching the clap or giving somebody a baby. Probably worth it.

For some reason, lots of people think that the only way they can get you horny fuckers to wear condoms these days is to make hilarious videos singing the praises of wrapping up. Gone are the days of Sex Ed classes with sweaty gym teachers breathing heavily while rolling a condom onto a banana (those days are gone, right?). Now the kids are learning about safe sex from mustachioed men with ukuleles, choruses of guys singing "condom" repeatedly, Chinese people who like Christmas carols, or even from condoms themselves. Here are a few of my favorites from around the world.

There are so many catch phrases in this one that I don't know where to begin. Apparently he's some sort of professor, so it's best to heed his advice: "When you feel your urges climb, it ain't no sin and it ain't a crime," but "don't forget that when you let your love juices run, safe's the only way." Fantastic.

Here we have a short a capella number where the only lyrics are "condom." It opens and ends with a skull and crossbones, which I can only assume represents all the AIDS you'll get without a rubber. In between those somber bookends the video shows condoms in a bunch of hilarious and unconventional ways. My favorite is the hot air condom balloon at :39.

I have no fucking idea. I don't know what they're saying, but for some reason they have chosen James Lord Pierpont's "Jingle Bells" to sing to. By the way, at :37, those condoms shaped like nightmares and filled with colored cum (the image at the top of this post), are those supposed to be Christmas stockings?

My apologies if you've already seen this one, but it is far and away the snappiest and most didactic video out there, so it has to be included. Told from the condom's point of view, those Indians cover everything. Homo sex in the butt, lady condoms, relative discomfort, how to put it on, how it will shield you from AIDS and other diseases, etc. In short, when my kid is ready to learn how to have sex I'm just going to put this video on and walk out of the room. Job well done, India.

JONATHAN SMITH