Northstar, who is apparently one of the X-Men, although you've never, ever heard of him, recently asked his boyfriend to marry him. This savvy PR move from Marvel marks the first time a mainstream comic book character has gotten gay-married, although Apollo and Midnighter (who are part of one of DC's many, many alternate universes and are even more obscure than Northstar) got married back in 2002. While this marriage probably won't affect our reality too much—other than briefly boosting Astonishing X-Men sales—it might inspire some closeted comics characters to finally reveal what they were hiding (barely) underneath their brightly-colored spandex bodysuits. (The list of currently out superheroes include Batwoman—duh—and some D-listers like Hulkling and Wiccan. Who? Exactly.) Here are the heroes and villains it’s easiest to picture in rainbow-flag duds:
It’s not just that this mutant is played by Alan Cummings, though that doesn’t exactly set off my hetero-dar. Nightcrawler’s two longest heterosexual relationships were: A. With his foster sister and B. With Cerise, the manliest girl in the universe. Let’s not forget that his relationship with his sister, Magik, ended when she inserted the Soulsword into his body to, um, hide it. Even though women were constantly trying to get Nightcrawler to bone them, he seemed happier “playing pranks” with Wolverine. (Is there slash fanfiction featuring them? YOU BET!) I’m going to go ahead and say that, while Nightcrawler may like the female form, there’s no doubt that he at least swings both ways.
Mystique and Destiny
This one is actually not a guess, but a little-known fact. Back in 1981, when Destiny was first created by Chris Claremont, he wanted her to be Mystique’s long-term lover (as in, they started scissoring in 1900). The original backstory is that Mystique, who can change forms, took on the role of a person with a sperm-producing penis, and together, the ladies became Nightcrawler’s biological moms. But Marvel didn’t want to “promote” lesbianism (let alone whatever you call sexxxy shape-shifting bisexuality), so they changed Nightcrawler’s backstory so that that lame, demonic warlord named Azazel became his real poppa.
Part human, part inter-dimensional demon, all lady-lover. She learned how to control her emotions thanks to her goddess-teacher, Azar. Who knows what else Azar taught her during “training”? Plus, she’s got an obvious crush on the goody-two-shoes Starfire—a lipstick lesbian if there ever was one—who had been pretty tight with her during their Teen Titans phase. I mean, she totally disrupted Starfire’s wedding by killing a priest, she must’ve had a reason for doing that (besides the whole turning-evil-because-of-her-demonic-heritage thing, which is too obvious).
This Justice League member from Planet Mars loves Oreos, hanging out with friends, and being alone with you. This green stud can shape-shift (meaning he’s flexible, boys!) has amazing physical endurance (he works out…) and he can generate heat, if you know what I mean.
It might seem hard to peg Rogue as anything but asexual, since anytime she tries to be “proximal” with someone, her uncontrolled mutant powers cripple her lovers. Rogue's origin story involves running away from home only to be discovered by Mystique and Destiny. It’s pretty clear that Mystique and Rogue have more than a foster-mother/daughter relationship, which is really horrible. Or is it sexy? No, it’s horrible.
The drug-dependent supervillian and workout freak is so masculine and sexy that, even after he breaks Batman’s back, Bruce Wayne forgives him and the pair bring down a drug ring. Like pretty much every character in the Batman universe, he seems vaguely S&M-y, but unlike most of those characters, you can actually picture him hanging out in whatever Gotham’s equivalent of the Eagle is and fitting in perfectly.
The Gay Ghost
Yo, his name is the Gay Ghost and he dresses in lavender. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Kraven the Hunter
It’s a testament to the ridiculousness of the comic-book world that a dude who dresses in skintight leopard and zebra prints and commands a menagerie of exotic animals is not only one of Spider Man’s main villains, but is also as straight as an arrow. Dude, c’mon. We all know why you’re “hunting” Spider Man. Those feelings are OK. Let them out.
Batman and Robin
That “Heh, Batman and Robin, what’s up with that?” shit is extraordinarily corny. That shit was a rumor started by the anti-comics lobby back in the 50s. Robin is Bruce Wayne’s ward and adopted son, not his butt-buddy. Don’t be dumb.