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It seems everyone in grime is busy getting ready for the arrival of Father Christmas, so there's not much happening right now.

Flamin attacking Vice’s Jamie-James Medina with a dildo. Photo by Anita Crapper

MC Narstie at our fourth birthday party. Photo by Reecha

It seems everyone in grime is busy getting ready for the arrival of Father Christmas, so there’s not much happening right now. We hear Skepta’s already put his Christmas tree up, and Tempa T has been very clever and gone out and bought all of his presents, so now he can sit by the fire with his feet up, combing his high top until the time comes for him to tuck into the turkey and Brussels sprouts. We phoned around to see what everyone is hoping to get from Santa this year and got an interesting range of answers. Skitz Beatz wants an Akai MPC 4000 or a G5 laptop, JME wants a Nintendo Wii, Faction G wants a Sidekick 3 and a limited edition Boglin, Danny Weed wants Joseph Simmons’ daughter’s phone number, Logan Sama wants an Xbox 360 with Gears Of War, Manga wants Nike Air Force Ones that “change colour to what you’re wearing and never get dirty”, Riko wants Pro Evolution Soccer 6 for his PSP, Skepta wants turntables, and all Scorcher wants for Christmas is his two front teeth (that’s what he said). Okay, enough of that yuletide shit. The most interesting story of the month is the news of Plastician soundtracking a porn DVD called Bad Manor, which we have to say is the most entertaining thing affiliated to grime erm… ever. It’s slightly different to what we’ve come to expect from grime DVDs—no boring interviews, swag freestyles and talk of albums and videos that never materialise. Instead, it’s packed full of dildo-wielding lesbians, without even a glimpse of Lady Fury (thank God). Talking of dildos, we got sent a load of them to the office the other week (long story) while Flamin from Scare Dem was dropping off some tracks for us. Look out for Scare Dem’s Rollin’ G Ent. label and the clothing line, which is coming soon. As a strange coincidence, the girls who star in Bad Manor turned up at Vice’s fourth birthday. We had grime MCs Jammer, Frisco, Tempa T, Narstie and Gully Rainjah performing, who seemed to enjoy the girls more than most. It was like their dreams from all the years of watching US rap videos finally becoming a reality—girls in shiny gold bikinis grinding up against them as they performed. Also playing was DJ Magic, and Plastician (thanks for coming down and playing at such short notice, guys). Plastician’s album, Beg to Differ, will be out on Terrorhythm in early February. Also coming out on Terrorhythm is the incredible “Gully Brook Lane” by Joker. The Bristol producer is doing a lot right now, so look out for him next year. Someone else to look out for is an MC called Badness. Faction G has been sending us tracks from this guy for a while and they’re all overly decent. People are slow, so nobody else is really supporting him yet, but you can hear him on Prancehall’s Anger is a Gift mixtape. The crew who we guarantee will be making power moves next year are Roadside Gs. Trust us, they’ll definitely be stepping up in 2007. Their “Come 2 Da Roadside” track is one of our favourite of the year (check the video at We mentioned last month that Wiley wanted to clash RA from Roadside, but it looks like that won’t be happening now. Roadside are the realest guys around so don’t want to be fucking around clashing people for hype. Despite announcing on his last war dub for Nasty Jack that he was done warring for this year, Wiley has made four tunes called “Judgement Day”, which is basically him talking about everyone in the scene. He doesn’t even spit, he just talks. Believe us when we tell you that he’s saying A LOT. So much in fact that Logan Sama is refusing to play it on his Kiss FM show. Something Logan was willing to play is the comeback single from our favourite South London crew from back in the day. Bring out the party poppers, everyone—Essentials are back. They’ve got a new label called Hazzardous, which will be releasing their new single “So Much Better”. Keep an eye out for the video, which looks great (for a grime video). Before we go, we need to tell you about the next DO IT! night, which takes place at 93 Feet East on Friday, December 8. The last one was bananas, and we promise this one will be even better. We’ve got Statik (who was voted at number 30 in the NME’s cool list), Jitset, Prancehall, Brains and Easychord playing. We’re also starting a residency at the Scala in King’s Cross, so look out for that. Go to for more details. That’s all you’re getting for this month, kids. Stay safe and remember not to go around shooting guys in the back with your stepdad unless you want to end up banged up for the same length of time as the Yorkshire Ripper. CLARENCE STATELY-HOLMES