Take a Stroll… with Rob Delaney – Help Twitter and Your Country Today!

Twitter announced today that it now has the technology to censor tweets by country. I like Twitter a lot, so I want to help them test their new feature. Thus, I’ve compiled a list of my filthiest and most offensive tweets for global dissemination. I’ve linked to the original so that you can easily retweet them from your computer or smartphone.

If you value free speech, it’s your duty to help get these out there. If you are AGAINST free speech, it’s even MORE important that you retweet at least five of the tweets below to help Twitter and your country’s government effectively test and calibrate their censorship technology. If you work for the government, congratulations! This is an opportunity for a little professional and patriotic glory. To give an example, if you hold office in, say, Iran or South Carolina, it is IMPERATIVE that you find the tweets below that would upset your boss or your mother the MOST and retweet them IMMEDIATELY. I don’t think it’s crazy to say that you’ll basically be a hero. You may even get a medal. If your country purports to support free speech, RT! If your country restricts it, RT! What’s most important is that the status quo is preserved and nothing changes, ever!

I believe in you guys.

If I’m being interrogated by cops & they offer me a drink, I always ask for a Diet Suck My Dick & we all have a good laugh.

When I see a pretty lady with a little bit of a pot–belly, I get what doctors call a “superboner”.

Chinese babies must be like “Fuuuuuck…” when they realize they’re gonna have to learn Chinese.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk, unless that friend FUCKED MY FIANCEE WHILE I WAS IN JAIL, MATT HALL YOU ALCOHOLIC CUNT.

“They make their kids do WHAT?!” – Hitler, hearing about “Toddlers & Tiaras”

I think someone just jizzed on me from a helicopter.

Kittens are God’s way of saying “Relax assholes, JC & I got this. Plus it’s totally OK to be a homo. Now let’s dance.”

I may be old fashioned, but I’m happy just tossing a load of jizz up a nice lady’s vagina.

THE JEWS RUN HOLLYWOOD!! Which is probably why it’s a fun place to work with a lot of great restaurants.

I’m the Michael Phelps of taking shits at McDonald’s.

Just forced some dogs to look at MY boner for a change.

If you suddenly feel sleepy at a frat party, quickly dial 911 & shit your pants on purpose.

VERY CLASSY PICK-UP LINE: “I’m gonna unzip that pussy like it says YKK on your clit.”

FACT: If you even show a Japanese person a PICTURE of a doodie or a tentacle, they will instantly have an orgasm.

My boss is like a father to me, in the sense that he’s stolen money from me & called me a faggot in front of my children.

Living well is the best revenge. Rubbing your asshole all over someone’s cellphone is pretty good too.

Amazing to think that before toilets were introduced to Canada in 1971, people had to carry their shit around in a leather bag forever.

Billion dollar idea: Figure out how to pierce Mexican baby girls’ ears in utero.

Not buying your wife a Lexus for Christmas is the same thing as calling her a fat cunt & punching her in the face.

How seismic of an orgasm do you think Fred Phelps of Westboro Baptist Church would have if I fucked his ass nice n’ hard?

I just did the cutest little kitten sneeze! Out of my masculine adult butthole.

Just watched an Asian toddler make a fully functional iPhone out of a piece of cheese and some copper.

Pierced bellybuttons are stupid. Don’t try to distract me on my journey from your tits to your pussy. I’ve got work to do.

Guys in “TAP OUT” brand clothing usually take their sweet time “tapping out” when I’m fucking them in the ass.

Whenever a Hasidic Jew sees an Amish guy from a distance I bet he gets excited, but then he’s like “Oy” when they get closer.

I am sad that magazines tell women they’re bad people for having hair around their butthole.

If old-fashioned right wingers are often closeted gays, the stuff Tea Partiers are hiding must be interspecies fuck-murder.

FUCKING JEWISH WOMEN is my favorite thing to do.

Twitter’s a great place to trade recipes or call a stranger a faggot.

It takes real courage to suck another man’s cock. And any man who can do it can damn well defend the nation I love.

I wish I could build a house for my family by blowing magical silk out of my asshole. #spiders

If you wear a track suit, you should fucking well be able to run around a track, you fat cunt.

BAD NEWS: I threw up all over your couch. GOOD NEWS: Christ died for our sins so you don’t have to be an asshole about it.

The snooze button is sleep’s sweet clit.

I don’t care what I do this weekend, as long as my dick stinks by the end of it.

I just pretended a 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell was my 11th grade student math teacher’s pussy.

If they can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, how come they can’t grow a couple clits in my armpit? Get it together, science.

Just ran 5 miles in sweaty Tallahassee. If God smelled my balls right now, She’d immediately fart out six 9/11s.

LADIES: Don’t be self-conscious if you have big dangly pussy lips; I’ll still wear them like a scuba mask.

I’m glad my butthole is all tucked away up there & not on my forehead or wrist.

I like to suck guys’ dicks and have them come on my face, no homo…

Show me a chubby Jewish woman with saggy naturals working up a sweat on a treadmill & I’ll show YOU a woman I plan to bone.

I’d rather have someone SHIT INTO MY HAND than hear them clip their fingernails.

Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle… make a ham fort…

When I read a tweet, I either think “I wish I wrote that” or “I no longer believe in freedom of speech.”

Previously – Cooking Up a War? Don’t Forget the Piss

@robdelaney