When I was twelve years old, my father drove me to Ruby Tuesday’s. It was there, over a plate of cheddar cheese potato skins, that he gave me “the talk.” “Your body is changing.” “Your thing goes in her thing.” “You can touch it, but don’t get too carried away.” And so on. Giving “the talk” to your daughter or son is a rite of passage for them and an important milestone for both of you. But it can be difficult! Children of the digital age don’t have the attention span necessary to sit down for a grown-up chat about sex. Try some of these helpful, modern techniques when telling your kid about the birds and the bees:
– Explain that a man’s penis is like an S-VIDEO CABLE IN and a woman’s vagina is like an S-VIDEO CABLE TO VGA 3 ADAPTER, and when they come together, they make tender, romantic DIGITAL INTERFACE MIRROR.
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– Reference pop culture icons while describing the processes of intercourse. Say things like “Your erection should be emotionless and unyielding, like January Jones” or “Anal sex is tired and over-hyped, like January Jones.”
– Maintain steady eye contact with your son or daughter for the entirety of the discussion. This will really communicate to them how ashamed and embarrassed you are of your disgusting, filthy body.
– Remind your kids that there are only three hundred million Americans and there are one point three billion Chinese and in about twenty years it’s going to be us vs. them, so get out there and make us some soldiers!
– Tell your kids that only a dumb jabroni would have unprotected sex. Modern kids hate being thought of as jabronis.
– Incest is universally frowned-upon—and inbreeding can cause severe mutations from shared recessive genes–but if you have a son and a daughter you should encourage them to give it a try because maybe that’s where X-Men come from?
– Let them know that they should wait until they’re ready to have sex. “Virgin” isn’t a dirty word. And you know what else isn’t a dirty word? “Super Dweeb.”
– Kids don’t communicate the way they used to anymore. Try giving yours “the talk” through texting! “8====[) – – – IS NRML ;)” sends a crystal clear message.
– AIDS is scary, so you should only talk about it on Halloween.
– Your kids probably spend a lot of time playing violent video games. Make sure you say “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” when explaining ejaculation.
