On the morning of Wednesday, July 4, a team of scientists over at the Cern nuclear research center on the France-Switzerland border announced—via a presentation in Comic Sans—that they had probably (really probably; they’re “99.999 percent” sure) discovered the “God Particle.” It took them a while and a lot of money—close to £1billion—but they have finally done it; one day the Large Hadron Collider fired up just right, gave God one almighty handjob and out he jizzed the much sought after Higgs boson.
The Higgs is called the “God Particle” because of its elusive nature and its ability to pretty much explain why the universe is the way it is. I say “pretty much” because there are no certainties in science. The Higgs helps scientists figure out what happened during the Big Bang, way back at the beginning of time, by going some way to explaining why particles have mass and therefore also giving reason as to why gravity exists. (This is all according to the Standard Model, by the way. If you wanna bring your String theory sass to this party, leave it in the comments below, ya fucken’ string-cheese).
So, if we now understand the origins of the universe thanks to this new cosmo-spunk, where does that leave God? Is there room for a creator in Standard Model theory? Is Allah dead? Did Cern kill him? Was he shot by Cern? What does this mean for religion? Is it worried? Or does it—like most times it’s faced with any semblance of a logical argument—simply not give a shit?
We spoke to some of it to find out. Here are the gatekeepers of the spiritual world reacting to the discovery of the Higgs boson. Not a lot of it made much sense, but it was entertaining.
CHURCH OF ENGLAND
Reverend Paul Turp (pictured) of St. Leonard’s in Shoreditch, London.
VICE: Are you happy for science?
Oh, absolutely. I’d put it alongside the Einstein moment, when he said that light can actually bend, and then actually came to prove his theory of relativity and everyone said “wow.” And now it looks as if they actually have found this, it’s the most extraordinary thing that any human being or set of human beings could actually have the intelligence to eventually discover. It’s amazing what a human can do.
But does this mean that God doesn’t exist, Paul?
No, not at all. I mean, we actually don’t know what went “bang.” There was the [Big] Bang. An enormous demonstration of the power of an energy which is almost beyond what we can calculate. And something must have caused it, and whatever caused it, that’s what’s called The First Cause. And it’s what a lot of us would call God.
What does this discovery mean for Anglican Christianity?
Christianity and Islam and Judaism, if we all go back and look at the scriptures we call the Old Testament—there’s a covenant at the beginning where it’s as if God is saying to humans, “Everything is yours! You can do what you want with it, but one day, you will answer for what you do.” It’s very exciting, but it’s a bit scary at the same time. I think it is just absolutely brilliant. And I’m glad to have been alive when this has been discovered.
ROMAN CATHOLIC
Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols’ (pictured) spokesperson.
Are you happy that science—
We know what you’re doing and we don’t want to be drawn into this.
ISLAM
Mohammad Shahid Raza O.B.E. (pictured) from the Muslim College of Britain.
Are you happy that science appears to have gotten it right?
Yes, we are really very much encouraged to note that science has discovered something new and that it is going to help understand the scientific theory in that particular respect.
Does this mean that God doesn’t exist?
I will not agree with that conclusion. The discovery of the particle for the believers does not mean that God does not exist. We will still continue to believe in God and for all people of faith. God does exist and he will continue to exist.
What does that mean for Islam?
The Muslim scholars are going to study it as they have in the past with other scientific discoveries and inventions. A new wave of discussions, arguments, and counter-arguments is going to begin within the Muslim academic world and I am pretty sure that after they have conceded this discovery there will be a response being made collectively by Muslim scholars.
JUDAISM
We contacted several Rabbis. One in particular was eager to contribute, but had to call us back when he was less busy. During that time he decided to take a look at who he would be speaking to. He let us know that he had come across several VICE “articles about masturbation.”
We never heard from him again :(
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I am very offended by that accusation. Goodbye.
PSYCHIC
Jayne Wallace from Psychic Sisters, who have a shop in Selfridges, London.
Are you happy for science that it appears to have got something right?
I think yes, it has. I think science usually is right about these sorts of issues.
Does it mean that God doesn’t exist?
I’m not saying God doesn’t exist, because a lot of people have their own beliefs. I believe in universal energy, I don’t specifically believe in God.
What does it mean for your field of work?
I think, to be honest, I’ve got a very niche market, and I think that for us it won’t effect us in any way. I don’t think it’s going to make a dramatic difference. There’s obviously a spirit world but there might not necessarily be a God. The soul goes on, the soul travels on. I think we collect the pieces of the past, and I think we collect people that have been taken, we collect spiritual energy, so the soul, I suppose. I don’t know if it necessarily will effect anyone, to be honest. People will believe whatever they want to. I think if you want to believe your life will change, it will.
PET PSYCHIC
Michelle Childerley, Animal Communicator, who you can email pictures of your pet to and, for a fee of about $200/six months, she will tell you what your pet is thinking.
Are you pleased for science that they appear to have gotten it right?
Well apparently, it’s still pending. They’re still waiting on further analysis. If it does prove to be, of course I’m pleased with any progress for the planet.
Does this mean God doesn’t exist?
That’s a tricky one. God means lots of different things to different people. God means what it means to different people, and if it supports them, then who am I to say otherwise.
What does the discovery mean for animal communication?
Well, animal communication is more about frequency, so it’s more about wavelengths which we’re all on. There’s a huge amount of evidence that telepathy, which is what animal communication is based on, exists in the form of data. However, science at the moment doesn’t validate it. It goes beyond the five senses. If more was put into telepathy, if science focused a bit more on that, that would be absolutely wonderful. There’s a huge amount of evidence that it exists, however it’s one of those subjects that’s not given the same amount of energy as other areas in science. Animal communication works on frequency and vibration rather than that. We’re talking about sort of right/ left brain work. Animals work in an alpha frequency, and we spent most of our time in the beta frequency. It doesn’t really connect with animal communication. However science is science.
It is.
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