The Week in Balls – April 17, 2012

Kοινοποίηση

Not everyone has the inclination to follow sports full-time, or even real-time. Thankfully, we combed the latest, greatest, and worst stories from the world of balls this past week—Opening Day, Wildcat basketball, hockey, kind of—so you can hobnob with the weird regular people at the office, your doorman, or your minions, if you have minions.

NHL:
– Hockey playoffs! Hooray. These were previewed pretty effectively here and here but here’s what’s happened so far: The Flyers have scored about 200 goals to the Penguins’ 199.

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– Vancouver, which had the best record in hockey going into the playoffs, lost its first two games and pulled its dapper Italian goalie, Roberto Luongo; it then lost with backup Corey Schneider in the net.

– Rookie Rangers goon Carl Hagelin, who is Swedish yet somehow went to Michigan and played for the fake Whalers team in Connecticut, was suspended three games for elbowing Senators captain and redheaded god Daniel Alfredsson in Ottawa’s Game 2 win. Alfredsson now has a concussion, but may play; Hagelin texted him. A friend of mine once went to dinner with Alfredsson; he recommended him the steak tartar. INSIDE INFORMATION.

MLB:
– The Marlins started their home season in earnest and Astros catcher J.D. Martinez hit the first home run in the park, causing the home run structure to go off. BEHOLD THE TERROR AND THE MAJESTY!

– Less impressively, there was also a dead bird on the field—slightly less amazing, but a great reason to link to this. Why does baseball hate birds?

– Matt Kemp is having the sort of statistically awesome season that … actually his stats don’t mean anything, since it’s frighteningly early in the season (remember, they’re playing baseball every day until a month into football), but the Dodgers are playing extremely good ball in their arbitrary/tiny sample size of the past 40-some-odd games.

– Baseball honored Jackie Robinson on Sunday—Scarface, the rapper, was psyched if surprised—and it bears repeating that Robinson, in addition to being as tough a motherfucker as there was in sports, was a plenty, plenty good baseball player, and indeed, one of the best hitters ever to play second base.

NBA:
– The Bobcats are fucking awful. Not exactly news, but it’s worth checking in on them every so often to make sure the city of Charlotte hasn’t been destroyed or something.

– In NBA business news, Saints owner Tom Benson, who saved that franchise from moving to Jacksonville in 1985, bought the Hornets, keeping basketball, and reportedly the All-Star Game in New Orleans. Yay!

– Meanwhile, Kings owners Maloofs, who are sort of creepy in a vaguely “the McPoyles from It’s Always Sunny” kinda way, pulled out of a handshake deal for a new stadium in downtown Sacramento. Boo!

NFL:
– Jets backup quarterback and living after school special Tim Tebow took in a Yankees game on Sunday, and was booed, which is awesome. Also awesome, and by that I mean horrible, is the New Jersey couple who bid $100,000 to spend a day with Tebow. Is that a good idea? I’m not entirely sure it’s even an idea. (No word on whether that price included spending the night taking Timmy’s virginity.)

– Eli Manning will host Saturday Night Live in May with musical guest Free Reign. Just kidding, the musical guest will be Rihanna. I guess Eli Manning is an A-list celebrity now?

– Ryan Leaf, the worst pick in draft history—every sport, including the time the San Diego Clippers picked a dog and packing tape first overall in 1979—was charged with four felonies, including breaking and entering, stealing painkillers and pushing a dog around by its back legs like a vacuum cleaner. He should be locked up.

College sports:
– Rick Pitino’s son will take over Isiah Thomas’s head coaching gig at Florida International, according to Rick Pitino; Rick Pitino likes to say a lot of stuff. Thomas, it can only be assumed, is going to be back working for the Knicks in clandestine capability if he isn’t already; Pitino’s son, it can only be assumed, is named either Dick or Vic.

– Two Western Kentucky football players were shot; let’s hope they’re OK. :(

@samreiss_

Previously – April 9, 2012