In what I’m sure is a stupid move, I agreed to join this service. The idea of it is they set you up with a text-message pen pal, but really they probably just want to sell your cell phone number to whoever wants it. So I’m looking forward to getting text messages directly from Papa John’s for the rest of my life. My editor at VICE suggested it because she thought it would be funny. I agreed to do it because I am stupid.
Here’s a transcript:
Videos by VICE
9177467856:[Welcome to TxtPals!]
[Commands:
/? this menu
/nick change your name
/list who’s here?
/me status
/shhh skip today
/leave bye!]
12:13pm Friday
9177467856: [We just found you a TxtPal!]
12:13pm Friday
Me:Yo where you at?
12:16pm Friday
Me:/me
12:18pm Friday
9177467856: [You: Pal35, Pal: Dan]
12:28pm Friday
Me:YO DAN WHERE YOU AT.
12:39pm Friday
9177467856: Dan: I’m here to!!!
12:40pm Friday
9177467856:Dan: Yo!! Where you at PAL35????
12:40pm Friday
Me:CHITOWN TRYNDA LINE UP A FRIDAYY CUZ I BUST NUTZZZZZ
12:43pm Friday
9177467856: Dan: Hahahahaha
1:01pm Friday
Me:U A DUDE?
1:02pm Friday
9177467856:Dan: YEAH
1:02pm Friday
9177467856: Dan: YOU ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS?
1:03pm Friday
Me: SOMETIME DA SHIT BE URGENT HOMIE
1:05pm Friday
Me: yo dan i cant figure da shit ut u cool but where the ladies at u know? cant fugure the shit out
1:24pm Friday
9177467856: Dan: Yeah! You gotta hope that the service assigns you to a nice lady next time instead of a dude. It’s just random. Ya know? Doesn’t know if you’re a dude or
2:07pm Friday
9177467856: Dan: a chick.
2:07pm Friday
9177467856:[ Dan is now: spooky]
11:46am Saturday
9177467856: [spooky is now: sharky]
11:46am Saturday
9177467856:[ Pal switch! You have a new Pal. Say Hi!]
11:46am Saturday
Me:I get lonely.
2:10am Sunday
Me: Lonely in my bones.
2:12am Sunday
Me: Deep and impenetrable loneliness.
2:13am Sunday
Me: But not a despairing loneliness.
2:14am Sunday
Me:I find its depth and breadth a comfort, like a long walk home from a dead end neighborhood.
2:15am Sunday
Me:I am eating pancakes. Alone.
2:16am Sunday
Me: Hello?
2:16am Sunday
Me: Are you there?
2:16am Sunday
Me: I am eating pancakes.
2:17am Sunday
Me: Are you sleeping? I need a friend. I’m down in the dumps.
2:19am Sunday
Me: GOOD MORNING!!! JESUS IS LORD!!!
8:33am Sunday
Me: I ate blood.
10:55am Sunday
9177467856:[ Pal switch! You have a new Pal. Say Hi!]
11:12am Sunday
Me: Listen, do you know anything about snakes? Poisonous snakes?
11:14am Sunday
9177467856: Pal41: Just not to get near them. Or touch them really.
11:14am Sunday
Me: Uh oh.
11:15am Sunday
9177467856: Pal41: What happened? You should try to suck the venom out. But don’t swallow it.
11:16am Sunday
Me: Oh jeez.
11:17am Sunday
9177467856: Pal41: Well? We live?!
11:33am Sunday
Me: I’m not good.
12:17am Sunday
9177467856: Pal41: Do you need me to call your mom
1:11pm Sunday
Me: Don’t be vulgar.
1:13pm Sunday
Me: hey where do people buy road flares or a flare gun for boats
10:44pm Sunday
Me: quick
10:44pm Sunday
Me: hey quick
10:45pm Sunday
9177467856:[ Pal switch! You have a new Pal: tacotruck. Say Hi!]
9:07am Monday
Me: Sometimes I worry that I never learned how to love another person.
9:13am Monday
9177467856: tacotruck: Not even your mother?
9:24am Monday
Me:What is it with you people and mothers?
9:25am Monday
9177467856: tacotruck: Seems the most likely place to start. Does anyone love you?
9:39am Monday
Me: [New Pal: not tacotruck]
9:46am Monday
Me:/change to not tacotruck
9:47am Monday
Me:/hatethisguy
9:51am Monday
Me:/dud
9:58am Monday
Verdict: although I guess fucking with strangers via text message is a decent way to waste time, and it’s nice to get the extra added bonus of picturing their phone buzzing on the nightstand when you text “R U HORNY” at 4:00 AM, there’s the internet now. The whole world is wired specifically to fuck with strangers.
Also, although I like to think I’m decently funny, there’s just no way for me to top [spooky is now: sharky]. Wherever and whoever you are, Dan, you did it. You topped me. I want you back.