This Ain’t Dracula XXX

Dir: Axel Braun

Rating: 9

Hustlervideo.com

This recent fascination with vampires really has got to end already. I don’t mind vampire porn, or any porn for that matter, but when Hollywood and the media choose to gear themselves toward the teen Twilight demographic at any cost, we’ve got big problems. Not long ago I wrote a children’s book about my son Christopher II (not Christopher III) shitting his pants. It’s a real heartwarming coming-of-age story about a boy and his dog. I submitted the story to a friend of a friend at a large publishing house. They loved it! But they wanted some “minor changes.” She wrote, “Do you think we could make the little boy a vampire? And could the dog be a werewolf instead of a dog? The vampire thing is really hot right now.” My heart sank. Not so much because she wanted to turn my flesh and blood into a goddamn bloodsucking freak just like your momma, but because our society is so shortsighted that they’d rather pander to a flash-in-the-pan audience than go with a theme that is classic and timeless. I mean, what is more timeless than a boy and his dog? And shitting your pants? And maybe the dog eats it? Because maybe dogs just eat everything? I hit reply but didn’t even know where to begin. I started simply, the only way I knew how, in the eternal words of Dan Aykroyd: “Jane, you ignorant slut. No, I will not change my sweet, innocent boy into an immortal creature of the night. There are a multitude of reasons why I cannot make this ‘minor change,’ but the most obvious is that this is a story of a boy and his dog, two best buds, and vampires and werewolves hate each other. They would never be caught dead hanging out together. Everyone knows that.”

This whole vampire phenomenon is a real bummer for me. I used to love vampires. I mean L-O-V-E, LOVE them. It all began with the film based on real-life events in Santa Cruz, California, Lost Boys. That was the first time Hollywood showed that vampires could be young, hip, and handsome. What a star-studded cast of good-looking gents: Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric, not-fat-or-dead Corey Haim, and Corey Feldman. The only real flaw in the casting was Jami Gertz, who played Star. Granted, she looks good now, but at the time she was all earthy and her hair was kookoo and unkempt. It was really hard to imagine a gang-bang scene with all those cool-looking vampires and her. She’s just not gang-bang material. Now, Alyssa Milano… I’d have given my left testicle to see her getting DP’d while ski-poling. Actually, my right testicle. They removed my left testicle when I was four years old due to a hernia.

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com and twitter.com/Nieratko. Also, Chris’s Skinema show is finally on VICE.com. Watch the inaugural episode featuring Kimberly Kane.