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All Bad News Considered

Google Built Barges and Scientists Produced Link-Bait

This week, Penn State paid-off the 26 boys Jerry Sandusky molested, Texas played topsy turvy with its abortion laws, and a crazy person shot a TSA agent. In other words, it was another terrible week in America! Here's all this week's bad news in a...
Rick Paulas
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A giant inflatable Texan. Image via

Once again, Texas had a topsy-turvy week in the topsy-turvy realm of abortion. The mess started when the federal court's District Judge Lee Yeakel declared the state's new insanely-restrictive abortion laws unconstitutional. Three days later, the US Court of Appeals gave the federal judge the middle finger and decided abortions should continue to be restricted until courts finish arguing the case. Till then, Texas is back where it started, forcing clinics to turn away their patients and refuse to help them with their despair. The court's ruling makes about as much sense as the FDA allowing stores to sell a new candy bar made in the same factory as rat poison until the FDA sends an inspector to the factory. Wouldn't it make more sense to ban something until the legal challenges are over? In conclusion: fuck you, Texas.


Jerry Sandusky's mugshot via

Pennsylvania State University paid $59.7 million dollars to the 26 guys who were molested by former assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky. (This means the going cost for diddling an innocent kid and then covering it up for multiple decades is roughly $2.29 million per incident.) Unfortunately, the settlement is more a steep fine for the college than actual punishment, seeing as $59.7 million is roughly 80 percent of what the school earns from their football program on an annual basis. In football parlance, the fee is an end zone pass interference call: tough, but not at all a back-breaker.

Image of an idiot wearing Google Glass via

A few months ago, a pair of “mystery barges” popped up on both the west and east coast, and nobody knew what they were. Was it a new floating prison? people wondered. Missile sites for government defense nukes? No, you idiots. The government doesn't have money for those expenditures. It was Google this whole time, putting together high class stores for their new Google Glass and a space to have some bitchin' parties. Hopefully, their parties won't have shitty themes like other annoying Bay Area tech jerks.

Image of LAX, the site of this week's shooting, via

The morning after Halloween is usually reserved for hangovers, pies of ibuprofen, and vows to stop drinking which are typically broken within 12 hours. What it's not for is shooters opening fire with assault rifles at international airport terminals. This week's public shooting took place at Los Angeles' premier airport, LAX, when a wacko sprayed a crowd with bullets and killed a TSA agent. This news surely put a big damper on anyone saving their store bought sexy TSA agent costume for this weekend's Halloween's parties. There's always time to dress like a slutty TSA agent next year!


Image of an important feat of science via

Do you have a dog? You don't? Okay, go “borrow” your neighbor's dog or something. Now, look at that dog's tail. It's wagging, no doubt, because he's a good little boy, isn't he? But if that tail's wagging a whole lot more to the left than the right—the dog's left, not yours—then that wag isn't a signal of the pup's brain dreaming up visions of their owner dropping a sloppy joe on the ground. According to new and exciting and research, that left-based tail wag is a symbolic of terror taking place behind the dog's eyes, which makes a lot of sense now that I mention it, seeing as you dognapped him from your neighbor's house. Thanks for answering that question, scientists! Maybe now, you can put that energy towards something more worthwhile like, say, using nanotechnology to possible cure cancer. Or not! Who am I to stand in the way of science throwing money at link-baiting?


Previously - Facebook Beheadings, Obamacare Controversy, and More Bad News