Anne of Green Gables Is Now Totally Boneable

This is what Anne looks like on the new cover. Anne of Green Gables should not be jerk-off fodder, but here we are.

The new book jacket of Anne of Green Gables has been causing a stir among fans of the book, who say that (paraphrasing): “That whore is not Anne of Green fucking Gables.”

It might be a coming-of-age story, but this edition really seems to focus on the “of age” aspect—as in, “barely legal.” Furthermore, enough of the plot is predicated on her red hair to suggest that whoever took this photo didn't bother reading the book. What is this, fifth grade? Read the book before you hand in your assignment, cover-art designer dude.

Based on this cover, I would guess that Anne of Green Gables is the sultry tale of a romp in the barn with the farmer's daughter, not a story about a spunky, adventurous redheaded orphan with her own unique sensibilities.

Even the movie got it right.

Not a single element of this stock photo cover communicates anything about the story’s characters, plot, or location. In fact, it looks like it was ripped off the cover of an American Eagle catalog. If they were going to use an American Eagle model, they could have at least used the one who looks like Anne:

American Eagle model Cintia Dicker, looking exactly how a sexed-up version of Anne Shirley should.

But using a ginger model in a wavy bikini would still be an injustice, because Anne is depicted wearing pretty much the exact same thing all the time, always. Straw hat, conservative dress, long-sleeve collared shirt buttoned all the way up. Do you know what clothing item Anne desperately wants in the book? A dress with puffed-up sleeves.

It's also awkward for the PEI tourism board, who has dedicated a large portion of their website to Anne of Green Gables tourism. To give you an idea of how big Anne of Green Gables tourism is for the tiny island, its section comes BEFORE the “Lighthouses” part on the menu.

The website says things like: “And for those who just can’t get enough of their favorite redhead girl, or the woman who created her, there are Anne-related attractions all over the Island,” and “Here is the preserved gabled house that inspired the setting of Montgomery's story of the redhaired orphan,” and “At Gateway Village in Borden-Carleton, fulfill that urge to have long red braids, as Cavendish Figurines invites you to have your photo taken while dressed as Anne.” Get it? She has RED fucking HAIR!!

Prince Edward Island doesn't fuck around with how much they love Anne of Green Gables

Let's be real. Going to Cavendish Figurines, putting on a trashy blond wig, and posing seductively isn't the good ole-fashioned family fun that an Anne-cation in PEI normally promises.

Japanese tourists dressed as Anne Shirley, now culturally irrelevant.

The point is this: I read Anne of Green Gables once. At no point while reading it did I want to fuck Anne Shirley. Why? Because I was nine. Nine-year-olds (usually) don't want to fuck people. But also because she’s a precocious, outgoing bookworm who just wants everybody to be friends. She’s not a blonde tart shooting you a come-hither look from a bale of hay.

Thanks to this cover, it will be too easy for girls to make sexy Anne of Green Gables Halloween costumes and ruin everyone’s childhood. I mean, have you seen what they did to Pippi Longstocking?

Literature is one of the last forms of expression where there isn't huge pressure on its producers to objectify its female characters, since you tnever see them (unless they're on the book jacket) with anything but your third eye. There are tons of great role models for young girls in literature. Let's not make pornos about all of them. God forbid there's ever a slutty Scout Finch from To Kill a Mockingbird, I will lose my shit.

Follow Noah on Twitter: @noahtavlin

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