We understand, you spent all weekend outside because it was actually nice out for a change, and then ate some of them bad eggs you found on the corner and got sick and missed all the good action. Well, most of the action was baseball. Maybe you were at a baseball game and missed all the other stuff? Anyways, it’s all here, and if VICE is ignoring it, then it’s fancy like molasses.
- The biggest story of the week was obviously the Freeh report, which are the findings written by some dude from the FBI, who did the damn thing at the behest of the Penn State board of trustees, who told him to have at it because the situation was so bad. It was an expensive affair, one which the board knew would make them look bad, though a warranted course of action given that the situation was incredibly rough (the situation = Jerry Sandusky, assistant football coach, having raped kids on campus). The report found, among other things, that Joe Paterno, the coach with the glasses, had an idea of what was going on as early as the 1990s, and that the guys above him were even worse. Deadspin has it covered. There has been some good shit written on the topic. Basically, it was worse than we thought.
- It’s a silly free-agency period, according to Nuggets coach and dunker George Karl, though, to be fair, most free-agency periods are north of silly. How silly? In addition to a drunk driver, the Knicks signed a chubby dude, which implies they might not be able to hold onto Jeremy Lin. Lin, if you’ve forgotten, or have just moved to America, in which case, welcome and try the butter, basically saved the team this winterand is more popular than Pepsi. The Knicks reportedly all but guaranteed to a source earlier in the week that he would be re-signed; while the deadline isn’t until Tuesday, signing Felton, who is chubby, doesn’t look good for Lin. Most folks think owner and guitarist James Dolan doesn’t want to pay the luxury tax. But Lin’s made him so much money. WTF! So much dishonesty—but if the Knicks match the offer, none of this matters.
- The season is half-over (observed) and here’s what we know: Every team in the AL East is over .500, and plenty of teams who've have been written up as worthless actually aren’t. Yay writers!
- The second playoff spot, which makes the post-season much easier to reach, could also be cooling trade deadline action. Teams who are on their way are less likely to trade their rockin’ stars for prospects. What does this mean for you, the fan? You can now cheer for your crappy team until at least September. They won't be eliminated right away, but will still suck though!
- Justin Verlander, the super good pitcher with hairy forearms and presence in this ad with Kate Upton, might be dating Kate Upton, and has for some reason earned mucho criticism/heat/crying because he is simultaneously hanging out with her and pitching poorly. Of course, the explanation is that since he had one of the best seasons in modern history last year, and he was going to regress. (He’s good, but he’s not Batman.) So since he was going to be worse anyways—why not hang out with a bikini model or something?
- Mark Appel, Stanford pitcher, Christian, and high draft pick by the Pirates, didn’t sign with Pittsburgh and got a lot of “hate mail” (funny tweets). Appel will re-enter the draft and should go higher, but these lists change drastically between now and June, so who fucking knows. He might make a few more million in 2013; he’ll also have much less bargaining power, and will be a year older. He’ll hit free agency a year later too. Did he fuck up? Mmmmmmmaybe.
- No hockey news. They shut down until October and are all at the cottage/seeing Skrillex. Sorry hockey guys.
- Drew Brees re-upped with the Saints. Hooray! He was guaranteed millions and maybe a bunch more if he keeps being real good. It makes sense since New Orleans’ offense last year was historically awesome. But it doesn’t make sense since Brees is legally blind. He can still see though, it’s just real complicated.
- Running back LaDanian Tomlinson, one of the best to ever do it, and a patron of the ever-changing and eternally super-ill facemasks everywhere, has retired. He will make the Hall of Fame. How couldn’t he?
Previously - Free Agents of Destruction