Help Put Strippers Through College

Have you ever had to transcribe an interview? It’s the absolute worst thing in the history of doing things. I’ve been trying to figure out ways to get out of it since I started this racket 20 years ago, but it’s not easy—no one wants to do it. I once tried to get an elderly Jewish woman to transcribe one of my interviews and she said she’d rather go back to Dachau. When I moved to Cincinnati for a year to work at a small skateboard magazine in 1999, I was lucky enough to get very sexy coeds from UC and Xavier to transcribe my interviews in exchange for college credit. For the most part, I chose these interns based solely on looks and fuckability. It didn’t matter if they could type more than the six words per minute, eked out in my chicken-pecking style. (I once took a typing class in high school that actually corrected my problem and had me typing 55 words a minute. Tragically, my teacher died midsemester and was replaced by this older woman with serious insecurity issues who refused to make eye contact with her students. She looked just over their heads when she spoke to them, which was quite disconcerting. I spent the remainder of the semester trying to get her to look me in the eye by slowly raising up out of my seat into her line of sight. But each time I tried, she’d raise her gaze just above my head. As a result of this game my typing suffered terribly and never recovered.)

I would typically keep the Ohioan gals for a week or two, depending on how good they were in bed, before telling them that I’d sign off on their college credits and they could have the rest of the semester free to party; everyone won. Then I’d call the English department for another girl. That’s not against that law, is it? If so, what’s the statute of limitations on being an asshole?

When I moved to LA in 2000 to work on Big Brother magazine it was more of the same: sexy English students looking for sex and college credits from UCLA or USC.

In 2004 I moved back to New Jersey, thereby kicking off a long, dreadful decade of typing my own interviews. There were brief stretches when my sexy wife was between jobs where I was able to convince her to type for me, but now that she’s employed and we have two kids, that’s no longer an option. (Yes, I’m aware there are digital recorders and programs that transcribe for you, but I trust neither. I’ve had too many friends come back from interviews only to realize their recorder malfunctioned and all of their time and energy was for naught.)

I desperately need help. My vision is worsening, I’m forced to type in 20-point just to see what I’m doing. My carpal tunnel is seizing up my hands to where I look like Bela Lugosi about to pounce on my keyboard. I have decided it is worth the cost to pay a sexy assistant to type up these hour-long interviews (that take me five hours to transcribe) in order to avoid the pain and suffering and possible risk of hemorrhoids from sitting at my desk for extended periods of time. I started looking on Craigslist for help, but most people refused to send me photos of themselves typing (they didn’t understand the need for it), and the few who did were hideous. I REFUSE TO LET UGLY PEOPLE TYPE MY WORK!! If I wanted that I’d just do it myself!

Then I discovered this amateur porn site, MyGirlFund.com, where you can pay the “girl next door” to perform nearly every manner of naughtiness. I thought I’d hit pay dirt. I have a sex kitten at home so I no longer need an assistant for sex, but at nearly 40 I really need someone hot to type for me. But the request seemed suspicious to a lot of girls on the site who kept asking, “Wouldn’t you rather see me piss on something or shove something up my ass?”

I ran into a similar problem ten years ago in Amsterdam and it nearly got my teeth knocked down my throat. I had just gotten together with my wife, and so didn’t want to fornicate with any of the hookers, but I was bored. I was on a skateboard trip and all my buddies were high as kites in the coffee shops, and I hate pot. I thought I’d kill some time by going to the supermarket and buying some cucumbers, eggplants, and other oblong vegetables and see if I could pay a whore normal sex rates to masturbate with my healthy choices. If I were a prostitute I would have thought it was the deal of the century! No actual sex, paid full freight, and free produce? Instead the girls freaked out on me, calling me names, asking if I’d enjoy the zucchini up my ass. I was confused and taken aback. I tried to explain how I was the best John they’d ever come across, but they could not be reasoned with. Instead, they called for three huge massive Mongolians, who tried to kill me. I barely escaped with my life and spent the rest of the evening eating veggies on a canal bridge, crying into the river.

Here I was again, trying to make a girl a decent proposal and getting stonewalled. Then, when I tried to narrow my search for girls in New Jersey, the MGF admin stepped in and told me I wasn’t permitted to inquire about whereabouts or exchange personal info with the girls (I guess rape and kidnapping are trending hard right now), nor was soliciting them to transcribe my interviews permitted because file sharing was also not allowed. I was SOL holding a cassette with an 80-minute-long Chima Ferguson interview for next week’s Vans’ Rider Week. I quit my search and began typing.

Let’s rewind. Two weeks ago my silly little Oklahoma video really bummed a lot of people out, and as a result the porn girls took a lot of unnecessary flack for what I thought were clearly comedic comments. Internet morons with their sarcasm filter turned on attacked and vilified the porn gals (and guy). I felt like I needed to make it up to them by showing people that porn not only cares, but gives back in big ways. I remembered the profiles I’d seen on MyGirlFund.com with all the pleas from the amateur cam girls beseeching kind, horny souls to contribute to their funds to help with rent, credit card bills, divorce fees, surgeries, etc, etc. I could think of no better way to demonstrate how porn changes and improves peoples’ lives than reaching out to a few of the girls and listening to their sob stories.

The first few problems I heard were pretty mellow, but if the last two don’t tug on your heartstrings you might just be a corpse.

Apt No 7

Apt No 7 is a mother of two willing to perform nearly any act to make her dreams come true.

VICE: What are you saving money for?
Apt No 7: I’m saving for my own photography studio. I have been able to purchase a lot of equipment over the last few years. I have been able to get everything from backdrops, a camera, lights, wardrobe, etc. from doing what I already love to do. I’ve spent $75,000 easily. I have taught myself everything from the ground up. Google Academy… LOL.

I have over 50 photo sets uploaded here, and 50 videos from the day I started camming till now. I do erotic art, mostly.

xSerendipityx

xSerendipityx is a college student who will gladly sell you a POV whip-cream blowjob where the guy comes in her mouth and on her face for the low price of $20. In this economy, where are you going to get a blowjob for $20? She also boasts, “I cater to most fetishes! Just ask for the list.” If that’s not the hardworking DIY mentality that made America great, I don’t know what is!

VICE: What are you saving money for?
xSerendipityx: I originally joined MGF to pay off college loans. So the stripper statement was correct. I am currently working on my doctorates. I save my money on here for all sorts of things, from traveling to bills. I am working on my PhD in clinical psych. I’ve done four years of college and three years of graduate school. I have two more years. I’m also saving for a flight home to see my family. My flight home typically ranges from $700 to $1200. Currently, it’s around $1,000. As of now I have raised $245, but have plenty of time to raise the rest. I usually only go home annually because of how expensive it is. The guys on MyGirlFund.com are great with helping out. I have been around a while and always go home around the same time, so they are aware and always willing to contribute.

CurleyCutie

Stay-at-home Florida mom of two, Curley Cutie proudly offers a ten-minute-blowjob cam show for $55. “My BJ videos are my most popular videos. I guess because guys can tell I'm not a porn star, and I'm truly enjoying what I’m doing, and enjoy knowing other guys enjoy it. I just love knowing I have that much power in my eyes, mouth, and hands to pleasure my man more than anything else and for those moments, there is absolutely no stress in his body.”

VICE: What are you saving money for?
CurleyCutie: Well, it allows me to afford to be a stay-at-home mom. My ex-boyfriend was abusive, a cheater, an alcoholic. After catching him red-handed cheating on me, I took our daughter and left. I felt ugly, useless, and was lacking any real confidence. I had never even slept with anyone without my shirt on. This site allowed me to explore myself physically, sexually, and emotionally. I love MGF. I've been here four years! I'm an everyday innocent girl. I'm still super shy away from MGF.

VammyRose

Nineteen-year-old Candadian VammyRose charges anywhere from $10 to $30 for custom videos, depending on length and what the request is. “The only things I’m uncomfortable doing are shame videos,” she says, “as in yelling at the men, calling them horrid names. I just can't do that. Other than that, as long as they have a detailed idea of what they would like, I'm up for it.”

VICE: What are you saving money for?
VammyRose: I'm trying to get out of my house. I grew up in a poor household, my college fund was given to my brother, and my credit card was stolen. Over $1,000 was charged on it. I just paid it off. Growing up my household was full of abuse and still is. I'm trying to save up enough to get out of this house and be somewhere that has job opportunities and transportation. We live in a small town with no transportation. I wasn't allowed to learn how to drive, and there are no job opportunities here, hence why I joined MGF and "chat-urbate." I would need about $2,000. I've made $1,000 on this site in the past year, but had to use that toward the theft. Right now, I have $200 on the site, and $70 in the bank. It's been rough, financially… and mentally as well. My brother would call me a whore when I was 12 because I was raped. My parents wanted to take me back to where I was raped to see if it would happen again. My brother has a mental disability and has anger management; he would kick me in the face and cause nosebleeds, scratch my face, my arms, legs… I have scars all over from him. He would tear off my door, doorframe, and break things within my room to use as a weapon against me. One time, while trying to defend myself, I put my leg forward to try and push him away from me, but he slammed the door on me and my entire foot went through the door; that was a very big mess. My dad always sided with him and would help him. He would drag me up the stairs by my ankles, yell at me, and slap me.

YummyAudrey

http://www.cash4mommy.com/

Disabled Iraq vet Audrey charges $5 a minute for custom videos and will do anything you ask except harm herself or shit. Oh, and she won’t fuck her dog. Her most requested video is to have her dog lick her pussy. The most requested video that she will do is daddy role-play: “Lots of men love being called ‘daddy.’ It’s a control thing,” she says. So for all the people who got so pissed off about Lexi Belle’s Oklahoma daddy comments two weeks ago, it seems she knew exactly what men want.

VICE: What are you saving money for?
YummyAudrey: I’m saving to survive! I’m a disabled veteran of the army, and times are hard right now. I served in Iraq and broke my hips. I still have issues with my hips. I have a 14-month-old son to support and MyGirlFund.com is my main income right now. Also a tornado hit my car a few weeks back, and basically ruined it. I also need rent money badly. I have $350 and need another $300.

Previously - A Quicky with Farrah Abraham

More stupid can be found at Chrisnieratko.com or @Nieratko