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What Your Kids' Clothes Say About You

Here are some trendy statements you can make by swathing your kids’ bodies in fabric.
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Κείμενο Benjamin Korman

Do you love fashion? Do you have kids? Well, you’re in luck! Kids are too dumb and poor to buy their clothes on their own, so dressing your child is like getting to wear two outfits at once. Here are some trendy statements you can make by swathing your kids’ bodies in fabric:

Princess Tiara: “I’m of royal blood! And if my daughter wants to inherit my throne, she’ll have to have each of her infant siblings slaughtered in cold blood. That is, unless they get to her first.”

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“Child Safety Harness” Toddler Leash: “I know they say you're supposed to put milk or juice in those bottles, but somebody’s gotta drink these hundreds of gallons of soda we’ve got lining the walls of our apartment!”

Claude Monet’s “The Water Lilies” Print T-shirt: “Sure, I’m married with kids Revolutionary Road-style and I work a degrading office job in a suburban business park now, but I spent four years in art school and I have mad bills to spend at museum gift shops when I go on vacation.”

Ramones T-Shirt: “My 3-year-old child both enjoys and appreciates the raw minimal style of the band Rolling Stone Magazine once hailed as both ‘the English Invasion in a fun-house mirror’ and ‘a full-frontal assault on here-we-go-again pop subculture.’ JK I’m a douchebag.”

Yachting Cap: “Ignore the tattered rags haphazardly strewn across my child’s emaciated frame-this yachting cap projects wealth! We live on Cape Cod, and I don’t mean the gay part.”

American Apparel Hoodie: “I bought this adult medium for myself but their stuff runs kind of small. Here, you have it.”

Vans Checkerboard Slip-Ons: “How can I teach my children to tie their shoelaces when I, having tragically been born without fingers, am physically incapable of tying shoelaces?”

Stunner Shades: “I had unprotected sex with a well-dressed stranger on Kanye West’s tour bus in 2008 and all I got was this stupid baby.”

Cars 2 T-shirt: “Look. We aren’t poor. We just shop at Wal-Mart because it’s cheap and easy. Also, my kids love Cars 2! OK, just kidding. We’re poor.”

@benjaminkorman