Oh, sigh. Another week, another website telling me to beautify my haggard face by rubbing it with edible cinnamon bath bombs. What's with all the shitty advice, beauty people? Why isn't anyone giving me useful tips, like when I was 13 and found out that straightening my hair with an iron really does work? When's the next tip of that caliber gonna come along, huh? (And please don't rush down to the comments and tell me I can iron my clothes with my GHDs. We all figured out a long time ago that hair straighteners are basically travel irons.)
Imagine my delight, then, when the other day, while I was steaming my face under a muslin for three hours after using lasers to cull my disgustingly unkempt bikini line, Cosmo whispered in my ear that it is now a woman's duty to wear make-up to the gym. Oh what, you thought the gym was a "safe zone"? You're a woman; there are no safe zones. Just waking up? Why aren’t your eyelashes tinted and curled, you pig? In the hospital having a transplant? Doesn’t mean your nails shouldn't be so shiny that you can see your own tears in them.
I absorbed Cosmo's workout fashion tips, sought out some others, faked a limp, and conned my friend into being my gym beauty guinea pig.
GYM BEAUTY TIP #1: LIP LINER + GLOSS + TINTED MOISTURISER
According to totalbeauty.com, “Lip liner will keep the color in place when your gloss transfers to your water bottle.” This is a lie. What actually happens is that the color gets smeared all over your mouth area, making you look like a clown that just punched itself in the face with a dumbbell.
OK, so my model totally let me down by contriving to make her lips look BANGING in this picture, but IRL, rocking big pink glossy lips to the gym is terrifying. Especially when paired with a golden tan, which, once you begin sweating, devolves into streaking around the neck area. Apparently, it was really itchy too. Avoid.
GYM BEAUTY TIP #2: WATERPROOF MASCARA
Just so you know, mascara is a total must-wear at the gym. Look, world: maybe some mascaras aren’t going to creep their way down your face when subjected to intense exercise and sweating, but ours definitely did.
Because we're optimists, we're not gonna choose to see this as a style disaster that makes you look like a woman who's been running on the treadmill since she was jilted at the altar two weeks ago. Instead, we're gonna go with the idea that having mascara running down your face at the gym transforms you into a sexy, Courtney-esque sportswear beauty pageant whirlwind.
Because we're optimists.
GYM BEAUTY TIP #3: THE WHOLE PACKAGE
Grazia recently sent me a newsletter which contained a quote from a beauty blogger saying she wouldn’t dream of working out without a "slick" of cream blusher. Oops, did I accidentally delete that last group email to all self-respecting women as spam? Or am I wrong to think that exercise will naturally flush your face?
Blusher, full stop, I've never understood because a) I don’t think "glowingly healthy" is a particularly good look (don't care), and b) I don’t think "excited child" is either. While I’m definitely going to stick to my usual make-up routine of rubbing an eyebrow pencil into my eye-bags to accentuate them, we tested out a spot of liquid blush on the pilates mat. Looks awesome, don't you think?
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