Bert Burykill
Slaying the Snot-Sneezing Dragon
Guys in prison jack off so much they’ll try damn near anything. I used to spray hot water from an artificial lemon all over my sac when I busted just ‘cause I had nothing better to do. I once had a toilet in a cell with a stainless steel seat that...
Pissin’ Out the Pain
I’d never been happier to relieve myself in a jailhouse bullpen full of dirty men. I pissed for about five minutes and felt great. Then I finished and looked around like, “Fuck worrying about going to hell… I’m already in hell.”
'Ruff Buttlove' and Other Prison Raps
This song is basically a true story about two different bonerabelles whose booties I plundered. To all the young bucks reading this: When you go to summer camp, fuck a chick in the ass. No regrets.
Why Can't I Vote?
Who knows what the outcome would be if felons were granted the right to vote? Truth is, we’d probably be too busy smoking rocks, gettin’ money, and fucking fat bitches to even know an election was scheduled. Criminals got better shit to do than waste...
I'm in Love with This Fake Pussy
I’m a brutally honest man, which is about to get me in trouble. I should never admit that this plastic suction cup slut with soft, slimy, rubber guts feels better than my girl’s own bonerable treasure trove, but it does. Tenga is the best snatch on...
Hey There, Lonely Girl
It breaks my heart to think about a woman all on her own in prison. Basically, I’m down to do what you want me to. Maybe I can send you some old books or pornos or something. If you tell me your interests I can print out articles from online or send...
The Good Ole Bad Ole Days
Bad things were happening all around me, but I was in a pre-ejaculatory state of perma-bliss. I had dough, I had a girl, I had fun, and thought I had all the freedom in the world just ‘cause I bought a lotta shit with blinky lights.
Rape-Os in Prison
There is a jailhouse rumor that everyone is asked to produce “their papers” when they arrive at a prison to prove that they don’t have anything shady on their rap sheet, but that’s not really true. The same goes for the myth that all touchers are...
I Saw an Inmate Get Struck by Lightning Through the Phone
The sky got crazy, there was a sonic boom and a MEGA flash of light—from across the room I saw Black sprint 20 feet while holding his underarm/heart area. He slowed down, turned around, stumbled back ten or 15 feet stuttering, “It hurts, it burns,” and...
Finish What You Start
I’ve witnessed a few wigs get split in the middle of the night by a lock in a sock, I’ve heard stories about people getting boiling baby oil dumped on them, and seen guys walking around with these ugly scars. Revenge is common in prison, so finish what...
Shit Dudes in Prison Say
Dudes say the most stupefying things in jail. I don’t know what it is, but there is a breed of dude who just makes shit up about the Prada shoes, the Mercedes, the gold-plated condom, the bad bitch with two pussies and no butthole… just outlandishness.
Lockup Crackup
This dorm environment is wearing me down. Non-stop noise and nonsense. County jails are designed to make people go crazy and cop unwise pleas to end the madness. Just this morning, my bunky was unexpectedly woken at 4:30 AM for a court date he had no...