Gavin Haynes
A Depressing Guide to the Classic British Drug-Mule Arrest
The girls say they met a man from London in Ibiza. And he handed them over to a Peruvian drugs gang, who flew them to South America and coerced them into muling 2.3 million pounds' worth of coke. The British-drugs-mule-nabbed pageant has many moves...
The Scent of Freshly Mown Binary
Not many people have been wondering why the internet doesn’t have a nose. But some have. Among them: Amy Radcliffe, a design student at Central St. Martins in London. She is working on a machine that can harvest a smell by putting a big glass nose over...
Nothing Is Less Funny Than Scientologists Doing Comedy
It's as if aliens with no conception of how human humor works had decided to mimic 'Saturday Night Live,' but without any cursing. Like aliens, the participants have a kind of emotional impermeability to them. It's fascinating to watch, but also...
Why I Feel Sorry for the Pope Who Hung Up on God
Benedict is alone. He is ex-Pope. He has ceased to be pope. He is hanging up the pointy hat. He is turning over the keys to the golf buggy to a younger guy. From now on, when he tells young Africans that the best way to protect themselves from AIDS is...
Reasons Why Everyone Should Start a New Life in Brilliant Britain
Britain is an intolerable wasteland, and you're an idiot if you want to live there. Not my words, but the paraphrased sentiments of the British government, that, it emerged last weekend, is considering placing ads in Romania and Bulgaria telling people...
Bath Salts, Orgies, Murder, and Anti-Virus Software
If there is one thing society can learn from the soap opera now engulfing tech zillionaire John McAfee, it is that rectal shelving is the best way to take the psychoactive drug MDPV.
A British Person's Guide to the US Election
This election will be decided yet again by these things that keep getting called "swing states." These are the most unhappy places in the union because there are equal numbers of Democrats and Republicans. In these squalid misery-zones, Americans can't...
Soon Old People Will Suck the Youth Right Out of Your Veins
Someone has proved that old people can benefit from slurping the blood of the young. Though obviously when I say "slurping" I mean "by having a clinically sterile transfusion." And when I say "old people" I mean "old mice," but y'know, we're all the...
Conclusive Proof: Britain Loves Ecstasy
Well, the votes are in, and the count's findings are conclusive: Britain loves ecstasy. The party drug was the real winner last night on 'Drugs Live,' a UK game show where a soldier, a lady priest, and stern-faced 'We Need to Talk About Kevin' writer...
Thoughts on a Closing Ceremony: London Olympics 2012
It was officially called the closing ceremony, but it was really one immense concert featuring just about every Brit who has ever stood in front of a microphone. The global audience registered in the hundreds of billions, and for large swathes of time...