Kara Crabb
An Inconvenient Urethra
It’s so weird that I stumbled across the GoGirl when I did, because I was JUST talking about how women are so stupid and shitty. I mean, we get raped all the time, we can’t do math, our literature sucks, and worst of all, we have to pee sitting down...
Keep Your Reputation Tight with Reconstructive Hymen Surgery (or, if You're Poor, Chinese Hymens)
Whores, do I have some good news for you: Reverting your vagina to its pre-popped state is possible. (Not in the medical sense, of course, but in the by-the-standards-of-the-poorly-educated-and-ultrareligious sense.) In fact, many women around the...
DIY Halloween Costumes: Torso in a Suitcase
Playboy bunny? Catwoman? Get out of here! Nothing makes a man want to eat you out more than looking totally fucking insane.
DIY Halloween Costumes: Michelle Obama
Halloween is hands down the best thing that has ever been invented. Every week this month, I am going to show you how to make a totally kewl Halloween costume, because I’m tired of seeing a bunch of you dressed like the Mario Brothers and/or sexy cats...
The Glory Hole Got a Twenty-First Century Makeover
Good news! As you may have heard, the Chinese have invented a hands-free automatic sperm extractor for donors, which is basically just a flashlight vagina attached to a giant refrigerator/computer. As a donor child, I think it is total bullshit that we...
Why Girls Should Only Have Anal Sex
Ass sex rules because destruction, degradation, and pain are FUN. By the time you get to the end of this article you’ll be fingering your own butthole and scheming on ways to get it filled with something fun.
Anthony Jeselnik Is Killing Me
Anthony Jeselnik is my ultimate dream crush. In fact, I'm going to have to type this entire article with just one hand. Interviewing him was one of the most excruciating things I’ve ever had to endure, because not only was he incredibly handsome, sharp...
Wet Hot American Bummer
Just hearing the words “summer camp” makes people think of fun games and swimming and popsicles and innocent over-the-pants handjobs. Little do they know, there is a whole other super serious, bummer-inducing breed of summer camps—the camps for at-risk...
I Don’t Know Who My Father Is, but I Have Dry Earwax
Through the magic of earwax, I finally have a clue as to who my real dad is.
Baba Vanga’s Predictions of “Natural Disasters”
This old baboushka was a blind Bulgarian who lived in the mountains all her life, from 1911 to 1996. She was known as a prophetic clairvoyant who apparently accurately predicted numerous world events including: the Chernobyl disaster, Princess Diana’s...
Big Haboobies: A Short History of Sandstorms
How often do you think about sandstorms? Not as often as you should, is the answer. Sandstorms have been fucking with people since the dawn of time and even if you are currently reading this while in a sandstorm, there’s still a lot you should know...
Guide to Surviving a Natural Disaster
Surviving a natural disaster is all about preparation. Beyond the immediate physical things, like for example, collecting massive quantities of preserved food or sharpening your longbow skills, you’re also going to need to prepare your mind and its...