Luke Winkie
I Was a Haunted House's Werewolf Pirate
I am being turned into a werewolf pirate captain. Or, more specifically, a pirate captain who’s in the process of turning into a werewolf. This takes two hours of painstaking makeup work, including layers and layers of goo, paint, and prosthetics.
ESPN Is Actually Children's Programming
It’s impossible to take yourself seriously if you watch a lot of daytime ESPN. Just last week Kevin James (the fat dude from 'The King of Queens') was debating Stephen A. Smith about Tim Tebow. Something like that should never be on television...
Hey Internet, How Should Football Change?
Just for fun, I recently went on 4chan’s sports forum and asked what they would change about the NFL—the thread is long dead, but here are the five most radical, compelling, and totally unrealistic suggestions that came back to me.
I Can't Stop Rooting for Lousy Sports Teams and I Love It
The way the world works is the Padres lose to the Yankees in the playoffs. San Diego sports teams don’t exactly have a tradition of dominance, or even competitiveness; they’re charmingly, irrelevantly mediocre, except for the rare seasons of...
Hey Atheists, Just Shut Up Please
I speak of a subtype of militant atheists who I’ll call the “Reddit Atheists.” It’s not enough that they don’t believe in God, they want to make sure you don’t believe in God either. Just by being themselves, they make the best case against humanism.
One-Team Athletes Make Me Feel All Warm and Fuzzy
Derek Jeter clocking a home run for his 3,000th hit, every one as a Yankee, Peyton Manning finally getting over the championship hump in his ninth season with Indianapolis—no great championships, retirement speeches, or controversies would exist...
My Dark Secret: I Like Watching Skip Bayless
"First Take" is completely indefensible, boorish, brainless, redundant, and drenched in corporate musk. And I watch it every week.