Monica Heisey
Anthea Pokroy Is Trying to Create a Ginger Utopia
Being ginger, I’ve had to fight my way out of baying throngs of murderous persecutors more times than I’d like to remember. So when I found out that artist Anthea Pokroy’s first solo exhibition was called 'I collect gingers,' I knew I'd finally found...
How to Sext Without Looking Like an Idiot
There are a few things in life that everyone over the age 16 should be able to do: cook a few decent meals, navigate a new city without Google Maps, enjoy a hangover, and send a decent sext. As Benjamin Franklin once said: “In this world, nothing can...
This Man Thinks He Never Has to Eat Again
You know what's an complete waste of time, money, and effort? Eating. I mean, wouldn't you rather just ingest a tasteless form of sustenance for the rest of your life and never have to go through that tedious rigmarole of opening and eating a premade...
Ke$ha's Autobiography: You Forgot the Ghost Penises
My main gripe with Ke$ha’s book—aside from a minor $pelling i$$ue—is that while her songs are all about partying and her "wild" lifestyle, her book is pretty boring. And it’s not like the girl doesn’t have some fun anecdotes to share. I am devastated...
Is It Time We All Stopped Coming Out?
Coming out seems like a real pain in the ass (I'm allowed one bad pun, no?) because it’s such a definitive thing to do. Let's just define ourselves as horny and call it a day.
Dress Like Your Favorite Musician this Halloween
Take a break from being a slutty cat / slutty zombie bride / slutty mummy this year with these ideas! Dress like a person who has lots of sex and money.
Awkward Music I've Had Sex To
One of the four trillion problems with Hollywood is that it has made us all narcissistically convinced that there should be a meaningful and well selected soundtrack playing in the background of the miniscule events of our lives. Very rarely is this...
Arnold Schwarzenegger's Autobiography Is My Everything
This is my second foray into the inflated world of celebrity autobiography and, while action star, former California governor, and one-time tank driver Arnold Schwarzenegger is, in most respects, nothing like our dear R. Kelly, the two have one...
Ten Things R. Kelly's Autobiography Taught Me
Robert Sylvester Kelly has written a book. The creator of everyone’s favorite hip-hopera, oft-topless legend of 90s R&B, and retired Star Wars-themed stripper (more on that later) invites you to take a trip to the theme park that is R. Kelly’s past...
Is There a Secret Cabal Running the World?
Who runs the world? Beyonce said it was “girls.” Zoolander said it was “the fashions.” Loads of other people said it was “money.” I just checked on YouTube, and a lot of people on there think it's probably the Illuminati. Others think it’s “love,” but...
How Girls Can Preserve Their Modesty This Summer
Inspired by God's Michelle Duggar and her 19 doomed children.