Sam McPheeters
The Brutality Report - Goddamned Fucking Shit that Doesn't Fucking Work Right
Why can't all machines just work all the time? Why do so many stupid, stupid fucking things always have to not work? Seriously--WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
The Brutality Report - Freakouts
A freakout is when you drastically misjudge reality and then you drastically lose your shit. You wanted to do one thing but you did something else and it was bad.
The Brutality Report - Cat Hair
Being covered in white cat hair is problematic. In public, I am constantly picking at my clothing, a gesture both fussy and slobbish. It's the worst of both Felix Unger and Oscar Madison.
The Brutality Report - Force Majeure
Force majeure is a standard feature of contract law, freeing both parties from legal obligations in the event of acts of God (volcano, asteroid, zombies) or man (strikes, riots, robots).
The Brutality Report - Green Day
Where does Green Day rank when held up against coral bleaching, computer viruses, dysentery, and organ harvesting?
The Brutality Report - Opportunity Cost
What does opportunity cost mean for you? Well, first off, you could've been a veterinarian. So you blew that one.
The Brutality Report - Nagging the Childless
If you're a parent I've never met and you talk to me about your children, shame the fuck on you. I have called Child Protective Services on you people repeatedly.
The Brutality Report - The Career of Sofia Coppola
At first glance, the public life of Sofia Coppola looks like a straightforward G.W. Bush Scenario--a clear-cut case of nepotism gone wild, on steroids, and then additionally on crack.
The Brutality Report – Flung Condom
A few weeks ago, I peeled a used condom off the road in front of my house. I have come up with four plausible explanations as to how it got there.
The Brutality Report - Childhood Embarrassments
One day, when I was 8 or 9, I saw my friend's younger sister laying face down on the couch, pants around her knees, with a thermometer sticking out of her butt cheeks like a swizzle stick.
The Brutality Report - "1,000 Lives (To Die)"
If you were to make a pie chart of all the brutal songs in human history, this song would be the big Pac Man eating the wedge that is every other brutal song combined.