• This Edition of Skinema Is About Sitting Next to a Beautiful Woman on a Plane

    There are people who are cursed with incurable diseases, missing limbs, small penises… I feel no pity for them because my curse is far worse than anything found in a medical encyclopedia. My curse is that I’m never seated next to a beautiful woman on...

  • One-Night Stands

    Not one day passes that I don’t crave the open air of a strange and new place, wanting to find myself in inexplicable predicaments on foreign soil and barely escaping with my life.

  • Babysit My Ass

    In April, after a battery of tests, at age three and a half, my firstborn son was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. I should have realized something was up when he lined 34 pancake bites across his highchair tray equidistant apart from each other in a...

  • Obedience School

    Have you ever tried to mop up the floodwaters of a squirter? FEMA and the Red Cross combined would be ill-equipped to handle the task; there just aren’t enough sandbags on earth to hold back those tides. Hurricane Sandy’s aftermath was nothing compared...

  • Belladonna's Dick Sauce (Animal Style)

    My eyes are currently bleeding semen. Each moment they remain open, it feels like vats of acid are being poured into my retinas. The excruciating pain is a direct result of watching porn for the past 12 hours straight.

  • Gimme a Fucking Break #4

    Despite flunking out of six of the most prestigious institutions of higher learning in New Jersey in less than three years, I never got to experience the crazy beach rompfest marinated in cheap beer that is spring break.

  • Bitches in Uniform

    Much like the modern-day hipster with soft hands and manicured nails and the garb of a longshoreman, skateboarders appropriated the style of blue-collar workers two decades ago.

  • Superman vs. Spider-Man: A Porn Parody

    The most successful major motion pictures in recent years have been superhero movies, and the most lucrative pornos over the past five years have been spoofs, so it’s no surprise that there have been a shit-ton of superhero spoofs lately.

  • No Warning 7: Ambushed

    I arrived back home in New Jersey the airport was full of fearful folk running around with their hands above their heads, doing the Steve Martin and screaming, “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” We were 24 hours away from getting ass-raped by...

  • Baristas

    I started taking steroids yesterday as an act of thanks and joyous celebration. I felt it was my duty as a native of New Jersey.

  • Anal Lessons

    Are there scouts in the porn business like in baseball who travel the minor-league circuit looking for the next big star? If so, I think that’s what I’d like to do when I grow up.

  • The Dark Knight XXX: A Porn Parody

    Just as hip-hop died outside the Petersen Automotive Museum in Los Angeles, so did her big beautiful breasts in 1997. I’m no Columbo but I’ve seen a lot of episodes of 'Law & Order,' and I can’t help but wonder if the two crimes are somehow related...