The Fiction Issue 2008

  • I’ll Give You Some Threats

    I texted some pretty mean shit from someone else’s phone to author Amelia Gray and she punched me in the face.

  • Gaudifingers

    The Gaudifingers contagion is no longer contained. It results in rapid aging and painful terrifying death within minutes. Anyone you know could at any time be Gaudifingers.

  • Three Kinds of People on the Crosstown Bus

    Mostly it’s no-accounts and old ladies that ride the bus in this city. Most are fat. You never see these kinds of people on television.

  • The Number

    “What it is, is that I want to have sex with you. I think it would be really good for me to have sex with you.”

  • Hunger Pangs on Paper

    Everyone knows (especially your dad) that if you aspire to be a writer, you’re going to go through life hungry.

  • On the Illness

    William was a puker. His expulsions—the color, consistency, and volume of a baby's—occurred after every sentence he spoke.

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  • The Poet

    The less the poet wrote, the more books he bought. He was building a library for the person he wished he was. Or so he told himself.

  • Reviews

    Some books make us smile, others make us vomit.

  • Literary Titans Are Super Freaks

    I have taken the liberty of rounding up the dirtiest exploits of some of the most revered (and perverted) authors in the Western canon.

  • My Father at the End

    I did not talk to my father for most of the last year he was alive. It was a form of self-preservation.

  • A Misbegotten Traipsing

    Sherlock Holmes was really a trigger-happy neighborhood watch member, kind of like George Zimmerman with an obnoxious accent.

  • Jawbreaker’s Major-Label Album

    The story of a writer writing a live-narrative of his Bolt Bus experience that involves writing about writing and writing about reading a story that might have been written about him.