A Guide to Creating Your First Culture War

Is your government at the centre of a corruption row? Has its incompetence caused the deaths of tens of thousands of people during a pandemic (oops!)? Are you facing a legitimacy scandal after your officials were caught lying to the press and kissing aides on CCTV? 

Fear not! It turns out there are much more important things to worry about. According to a new survey by American pollster Frank Luntz from the Centre for Policy Studies, a centre-right think-tank, “wokeism” is one of the top three concerns among UK voters. 

Ignore the fact that a recent YouGov survey found that 59 percent of Brits have no idea what the word “woke” means – right now, culture wars are the newest and most exciting accessory for a government in crisis. More affordable than an actual war, and even better for whipping up the electorate, a culture war is the answer when you’re after maximum distraction and zero accountability. 

“The problem with woke and with cancel culture is that it is never done,” Luntz told the Times. “The conflict and divisions never end. This is not what the people of the UK want – but it’s coming anyway.”

If you’re in need of some woke-bait to detract from your latest mistake, good news! We’ve put together a culture war generator below.

• Oxbridge college and/or Russell Group university
• England footballer
• Left-wing university academic (bonus points if they’re “a bit foreign”)
• LGBTQ rights charity
• Local museum, art gallery and/or National Trust property
• Mildly progressive school head teacher
• Immigrants (bonus points if they have a “funny tinge”)
• Meghan Markle
• Black Lives Matter campaigner
• Local NHS GP practice
• Trans children
• Low-ranking Labour Party activist and/or councillor

Congratulations! You have picked the target of your witch hunt. You are now well on your way to creating your very own culture war. To proceed to the next stage, please select an action for your subject. 

• Removed an inanimate object (e.g. a statue, painting or flag – see below) from display or its gift shop
• Used trans-inclusive language and/or respected people’s pronouns
• Failed to display an inanimate object with enough reverence for British History
• Expanded the curriculum to include BAME or LGBTQ voices
• Taken the knee
• Expressed a mildly critical opinion about the British Empire, the Queen and/or Churchill
• Discussed any one of the following intellectual concepts: critical race theory, postcolonial theory and/or white privilege
• Shown a minuscule level of distaste for the England flag or Union Jack
• Built gender-neutral bathroom facilities
• Failed to respect The Poppy™ or Our Brave Troops™ 

Well done – you have found your target engaging in a relatively inconsequential action that nobody would have ordinarily noticed. Now it’s time to turn this into a talking point.

• GB News
• Guido Fawkes
• The Telegraph
• The Daily Mail
• The Times
• The Spectator
• Daily Express
• LBC
• The Sun

Now you’ve selected your preferred outlet, it’s vital to amplify that message with a tweet from a politician that definitely hasn’t been workshopped by Number 10 to maximise outrage on social media.

• Gavin Williamson
• Robert Jenrick
• Boris Johnson
• Priti Patel
• Jacob Rees-Mogg
• Kemi Badenoch

NOW PICK A GENERAL THEME FOR THEM TO TIE THE ISSUE TO

• White working class children
• Pride (not the LGBTQ kind, obviously) in our history
• Respect for Our Brave Troops™ 
• Cancel culture
• Freedom of speech

Well done – those contributions definitely injected some much-needed calm into the discourse. Now, here come the professional opinion-havers! Select one (or even a couple) to stoke everything up a little more.

• Darren Grimes
• Melanie Phillips
• Peter Hitchens
• Julie Burchill
• Nick Ferrari

Uh oh. It’s spiralled a little bit out of control now. Who could have guessed that intentionally whipping up all that outrage could have led to this? Not lil’ old you!!  

• The English Defence League
• The British National Party 
• The statue defenders
• Trans exclusionary radical feminists
• Football Lads Alliance

Now pick something for them to do, knowing that none of this will ever be traced back to you (so convenient!):

• Defend a statue (any statue)
• Beat someone’s head in
• Get caught doing a Nazi salute on a protest
• Link up with right-wing Christian fundamentalists
• Doxx your target
• Get drunk on a march and piss on Parliament
• Harass journalists
• Send death threats to your target
• Create a climate of despair so toxic that it drives minority groups out of the country
• Take your preferred subject to court for “violating our rights or something”

Good job – you’ve now successfully created your own news cycle, conveniently distracting everyone from one or more of the following: 

• The deaths of 152,000 people from coronavirus, many of which would have been preventable if you’d have done your job properly
• Whistleblower testimony from a former colleague
• Handing billion dollar contracts to your mates
• Creeping privatisation of the NHS
• An unelected member of the public (e.g. your spouse) using undeclared money to renovate your taxpayer-funded residence
• Allegations of deep-seated racism in your own party
• 600,000 people in the UK living in flats with unsafe cladding that could catch fire at any minute 
• General accusations that you are incompetent or unfit to govern

Congratulations on creating your first culture war! To play again, please scroll up to the top.