Bonjour, mon bébé. If you’re here, it must be time to get a gift for Mommie Dearest, and try to (somehow?) pay back the woman who literally grew us in her womb (so weird when you really think about it), made us infinity macaroni and cheese, and literally and figuratively wiped our tuchuses as we slowly, painfully blossomed into the funky little freakazoids we've come to be. We salute you, people who raise children. It sounds hard.
But those are our moms. We're thinking about your mom. Man, she is really something… a goddess. A wildcat! We sure like her. In fact, we spent a couple of days and long, candlelit nights—just like the video for Celine Dion's "It's All Coming Back to Me Now"—thinking all about her and what she might want to receive during this holiday season. Here are 69 lock 'n' load ideas for what to get your mommy. These are the true, actual, best gifts for moms, or for whoever is the literal, spiritual, or metaphorical mama in your life. Something for everyone. We promise.
1. Hors d'Oeuvres for your ears
All garlic shrimp everything—even jewelry.
2. A sole savior
Thank ma for the 18 hours she spent on her feet making sure your holiday feast is just right by giving her tired dogs the pampering they deserve.
Body Butter Lady is a Black-owned business selected as part of Black+, an initiative by VICE Media Group and The National Urban League to support Black Entrepreneurs with free marketing and mentorship opportunities.
3. Daddy? I’m sorry…Daddy? I mean, Daddy?
So Mommy can stan Daddy or be Daddy (don’t worry, they have Mommy too).
4. Getting to the root of the issue
No one is mad at a refreshing, tingly scalp massage.
5. Mommy’s special juice
Mommy's sunset-watching juice, conveniently packaged into cute single-serving vials.
6. Alleviate her neck, her back…
So Mommy can easily haul her stuff up the stairs if you're not around to help.
7. Sprechen sie spaetzle?
Have you had spaetzle? We bet your mom has.
8. Digging the dancing queen
We've all seen Mommy have a couple of glasses of Beringer Chardonnay and cut loose on the dance floor of our cousin's wedding the second "I Will Survive" blasts outta those speakers.
9. She’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom
Maybe Mommy did LSD, maybe she didn't, but either way she may wish to protect her gorgeous coiffure should she find herself riding shotgun in a Thunderbird.
10. Mom’s already got the diaries…
It's never too late for Mommy to become the next E.L. James.
11. Show-up all those Pilates moms
We want to see your mother shimmer and glimmer while she quenches that thirst.
12. Relive those glory days
Moms love Seger. It's fact.
13. This is how she gets it all done
Spoil Mommy with this stupidly luxurious espresso machine, which she will hopefully someday bequeath right back to you.
14. The chicest croakies
For the mom that’s always losing her glasses. Now she’ll be stylish and able to read the menu.
15. Momma wants a hot tub
Again, you've gotta use the ol' bean and choose gifts that you will also have access to the pleasures of using.
16. The tostiest tootsies
Trust us, moms love UGGs. If you have a short (see: height-challenged) mom, I guarantee she’ll go wild for this platform style.
17. Because you’re no longer the favorite
So Mommy can spoil Mommy's Fluffy Baby™.
18. For the “gourmom”
These little vinnies make perfect salad dressings or spritzers for tart, healthy-conscious mothers and mother figures
19. For tiny little mommies
You know who went through 16 hours of labor to bring your dumb ass to this Earth, changed too many diapers, did googolplex dishes, and shouldn't have to get off the sofa to grab the remote? Mama.
20. Sleeping like royalty
Your mother is a queen. She deserves to slumber like one too, obvi.
21. No, there’s not wine in here
Cool-looking and ideal for the klutzy, coffee-sloshin’ mamacitas among us.
22. The most braggable toaster
For mommies who love gluten and gadgets, and want the latest in crust-caramelization technology.
23. Say it with flowers
Let’s be honest: Some of you were just scanning this list looking for flowers. Typical. Fine. Here are some particularly pretty ones.
24. Mom was at the Fairmont in ‘71
Who says Mom can’t be hippie chic when she's whipping up an entire meal (or, you know, a PB&J)?
25. Mom doesn’t cheat, she wins
So Mommy can play strip dominoes with Daddy.
26. She’s a little treat eater
Have you had these? ICONIC. While we think these should be illegal (for our sake) these make a great gift for any mom.
27. It’s not you, Mom, it’s the phone
Because social media is hell, and we don't want your mom to suffer in hell, so we give her a super-streamlined, purposely low-feature phone for keeping her beautiful mind clear of any extraneous BS. This phone is about as simple as it gets—just texting, calling, and pretty much nothin’ else. (We want one, too.)
28. We all need a breather sometimes
So 90s, we just love it. This, "personal oxygen bar...increases the concentration of oxygen inhaled from 35% to 90% for calm relaxation." Serve with a dirty martini on the side.
29. An extra-moisturized mum
This gorgeous stuff is "a whipped trifecta of shea, cocoa, and mango butters, [plus] vitamins, fatty acids, and pure seed extracts." [Extremely deep voice] Ohhh yeahhhh baby, that's smooth.
30. She’ll just have one glass
It’s always glug ‘o clock—and not just for wine. Fill this giant chalice with a non-alcoholic spritzer, rose petals, or ranch dressing.
31. Luxury. Fabrics. Only.
It’s actually bananas to get a cashmere robe for this price.
32. She’s Ina Garten in our eyes
Hereby making a plea for heritage olive oil to be its own micro-influencer.
33. For flexin’ on those PTA moms
“Oh, yeah. They use these at Soho farmhouse, too,” she’ll brag to the ghouls when she hosts her next bottomless brunch.
34. The gift that keeps on giving
Pine tree scents for winter, peony for spring. This candle subscription is a basically a grown-up scratch ‘n sniff situation. So much better than an advent calendar.
35. Ma likes to boogie
There is no mom who will not shake it to Earth, Wind & Fire. This tote bag should make her the coolest parent of all at the farmers market—whether or not it is, in fact, the 21st night of September.
36. She’s a clean freak
As someone recently told us, “If your face fell in poo, you would fully wash it. So why don’t we do that for our bums?”
37. Let her sleep in, just this once
Mom is tired of solving everyone’s problems—let her rest in silky luxury.
38. It’s called “mommy time”
Bath salts. CBD. Sounds fun. [Beavis and Butt-Head snort]
39. For Mommy’s little baby
Dog shoes. Nothing wrong with that. Honestly, my hands look like this, so Mom’s dog’s paws can look like that.
40. She’s a ~*cool~* soccer mom
One of our writer’s mothers wears this to the YMCA (pre and post-pool), and at home while watching Huell Howser on California’s Gold reruns.
41. She’s a huge Nora Ephron fan
Mommies love rom coms. Sleepless in Seattle is THE rom com.
42. She’s plant-based
Vegan bacon bits for wedge salads, BLATs (that's a BLT with avocado, duh), or just out-of-bag snackin' on the sofa.
43. Luxurious loungewear
Even Mommie Dearest would die for this luxe set (just don’t use a wire hanger!)
44. Waiter, a cosmo please
It's about time the Cosmo got a little respect. Plus, good for pampering Mommy's tired feet after she slathers them in $150 worth of Crème de la Mer.
45. Mom’s got a green thumb, but sore knees
One of our writers bought this for her parents, who love it for kneeling whilst gardening and picking up the grandbaby’s tantrum tater tots.
46. So she’ll never be lonely
No matter Mommy's relationship status, ain't nothing wrong with being embraced by a disembodied muscle man pillow to keep actual or potential daddies on their toes.
47. Mom’s got a competitive streak
It's a big rainbow crystal Jenga, for both enthusiastic display and highly competitive game nights.
48. For serious chilling
Yes, they make CBD-infused sleepwear stuff now. Of course we did a test run. You think we’d recommend something for moms that we couldn’t vouch for personally?
49. Mommy needs a little break from cocktails
Not all mommies are wine mommies. Optimist is perfect for booze-free spritzers and sippin', with zero hangover so she'll still make it to pole-dancing class tomorrow morn.
50. She’s into trends
This hat has swallowed an entire box of crayons just to be here. And thank god!
51. How do you think she stays so young?
Read YETI’s description, and just tell me it wasn’t written by a mom: “Thirst is not something we take lightly. The Rambler One Gallon Jug is designed to be damn near indestructible while keeping every drop of precious water perfectly cold.”
52. Almost as good as a personal masseuse
Send Mommy’s feet into the void. Prepare to carry her everywhere, as she may never pull her piglets out of this relaxation station.
53. Mama’s a daredevil
Is she in the market for a new set of teeth? Lose them in high-flying style.
54. For the “aesthetic” mom
To be used whilst regaling guests about your trip to wine country.
55. Subtly tell her the cat’s ruined everything
Mommy isn't just your mommy; she is also Fluffy's mommy. And Fluffy deserves a couch that her claws won’t destroy. (Yes, scratch-proof furniture is a thing.)
56. Clouds, for the feet of an angel
She deserves to walk on clouds, or at least a veritable flock of sheep.
57. She wants omakase
What’s more luxurious than an incredibly decadent tray of uni, featuring 200g of umami-rich sea urchin roe hand-harvested off the Southern California/North Mexican coast.
58. Give Mom some extra sparkle
Because her face is the marquee, and it deserves some razzle dazzle framework.
59. It’s a puffer, but make it a blanket
Basically a puffer that serves as a blanket for all impending outdoor activities (hiking, camping, drinking on lawns).
60. She’s a GBBO fanatic
The bowl is classy and strong, but embellished. The bowl is a metaphor (for mom).
61. It’s margarita Monday, mommy
62. Fact: mom’s love lavender
Lavender is supposed to ease anxiety, and scare away spiders. Or, Mommy can pick it and sprinkle it in her candlelit bath.
For the mom who is both Live, Laugh, Love and Sk8 or Die.
64. An at-home spa day
She will want her own personal bird bath for this oil of ylang ylang tree, patchouli plant, and lavender. Guess that’s a bathtub.
65. She’s got a sweet tooth
These gargantuan, buttercream-filled cupcakes are not only super-festive, but also vegan, for all the plant-based Mommies.
66. Hell ya, mom can rock
“I’m not like a regular mom. I’m a Slayer mom.”
67. Mom never quits playin’
For the mother with eternal sudoku or Pee-wee Herman energy.
68. Don’t you come near her babies
Lumbersexual momma bear, hovering over her cubs Design Toscano style.
69. Mama needs a good schvitz
Don’t sweat it. Sweat aaaaall of it, in a giant barrel full of Finnish wonder.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, MA.
This story includes Black-owned businesses selected as part of Black+, an initiative by VICE Media Group and The National Urban League to support Black Entrepreneurs with free marketing and mentorship opportunities.