Kids love chewing gum. They love unsheathing it from its packet, offering it to their friend and snatching it back before their friend can take it, relentlessly chewing on it until it loses any semblance of its original flavor or texture, then sticking it underneath their desks at school. It's an intrinsic part of any child's life; one that ultimately dictates a healthy development and a positive mentality, according to science and facts and stuff.
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Receptionist: I beg your pardon?Trust me—your children will love it.
We don't need any stationery.It's food, not stationery. Delicious food for children.
Don't call here again.*hangs up*THE GREEK PARENTS' ASSOCIATION, LONDON

Receptionist: No.Oh, OK. Well, it's what packing tape is made of and it's really tasty. If you order some from me right now, your kids could be eating it tonight. Isn't that exciting?
Why would I want to feed my kids packing tape?
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What are you talking about? Look, I'm going to report you to child abuse. What's your full name and address, please?*hangs up*CRANBROOK SCOOL PARENT'S ASSOCIATION, KENT

Receptionist: Excuse me? What are you talking about?I want to sell you packing tape so your children can eat it.
Are you a pedophile?I am a tape-ophile. Just like your son, I'm guessing.
Can you just fuck off, please? We don't take calls from perverts.HOOK SCHOOL PARENTS' ASSOCIATION, HAMPSHIRE

Man: Sorry, we don't … what?Don't deny your children packing tape. It's a great alternative to chewing gum; it's cheaper and doesn't contain any sugar whatsoever.
Are you insane, or something? I'd have to be a complete maniac to let you anywhere near minors. Goodbye and never call here again.SIR THOMAS RICH'S SCHOOL, GLOUCESTER

Receptionist: Can you call back sometime after lunch, please?Well, I'm right around the corner with my truck and I can come and deliver the tape now, if you want?
Have you spoken to anyone else here?No, I'm new to this business. All I want to do is give tape to your kids so they can chew on it.
Are you twisted? Why is your number blocked?
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Receptionist: No, we're fine for tape, thanks. Bye bye now.No, wait—an Eton affiliation would be great for my business. I have rubber tape and masking tape too, if you'd like?
I'm afraid we already have a stationery supplier and a catering department. Plus, I don't think anyone here is interested in eating packing tape. Good luck to you, but please don't call here again.Follow Nimrod on Twitter: @nnimrodd