The first band I saw live was Blink 182. It was at the Brisbane Entertainment Centre when I was 14 years old. I loved Blink 182. I wanted to marry, dry hump, kiss-on-the-lips-but-no-tongue Blink 182. As a result, the only thing I felt for their rivals Good Charlotte was hatred. Dangerous, obsessive, fan-girl hatred.
Ten years later in a nightmarish turn of events, Australia has adopted Good Charlotte’s Madden twins as a chubby, two-headed spokesperson for everything in the whole world. I swear I can’t turn on my TV without a Madden in a studded vest with a mouth like a cat's ass gibbering on about chicken or phones. Suddenly I’m a teenager again, crying as I play “Adam’s Song” on repeat, writing to Travis Barker begging him not to let the band break up.
How did this happen? What are they doing here? Well first of all, Joel (the porkier one) appeared on the Australian version of a US singing-competition show. He wore his sunglasses most of the time and turned up with different hair color every episode. Joel is also the one married to Nicole Richie, who is famous for being Lionel Richie’s daughter and skinny. The other one is Benji, the runt of the two, who passes his time with hobbies like dating Sophie Monk. How Benji managed to snag Sophie Monk is anyone’s guess, although I’m going to go with the obvious: he has a massive dick. Wait, do twins have the same size dicks? Imagine if they didn’t. That would be awkward.
I could forgive the Maddens' presence on my television if they were funny or clever, but they aren’t. Listening to them talk is like witnessing everything that is bad about America in a few short sentences. This is an actual quote from Joel: “Benji is truthfully looking to get somewhere to live here by next year—that’s the truth. Truthfully this is our favorite place collectively—me and Nicole.”
Truthfully, Joel? Is that the truth? Could you try being more truthful? Perhaps by saying the word “truthful” a few more times?
No one actually cares that Joel used to be vegetarian but now eats chicken professionally for KFC. Vegetarians are always falling off the tofu wagon for KFC. Apparently PETA cares, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard anyone bring up PETA in the real world. Although it is funny that Benji once said, “Animal rights is something God put in my heart.” Anyone upset by his betrayal can take comfort in the fact that Zinger Burgers are now putting trans fats in his heart.
With an upcoming show with Keith Urban (Australia’s favorite lesbian) and a contract advertising for Vodafone, it looks like the Maddens are here to stay. They have jumped ship from the Land of Milk and Honey to the Land of Chicken and Money, which is shit because we have enough of America and Britain’s aging and irrelevant stars already. Fucking Leo Sayer lives here for Christ’s sake. Australia is the new dumping ground for washed-up celebrities, alongside CSI and spots on I’m a Celebrity… Get me Out of Here! Well, I’m taking a stand. This nation doesn’t need any more people associated with dance-floor anthems.
America, we’re done with Joel and Benji Madden now. You can have them back. And we want a refund.
For more Maggie, check out her blog.