Gird your loins and reinforce your mailbox, it's O-Week, the time of the year when new uni students stagger forth to drink, frolic, and destroy property out of their parents' watchful gaze. Dunedin, the nation's leader in raucous student behaviour, is already reporting that one student house has been set on fire while students partied. Which was bad news, until they realised the property was an "energy drink-sponsored student flat" which included a tastefully named Boning Room.
Milk—the original energy drink—was not to be outdone, with Massey's Young Farmers Club's annual milk chug also taking place. The tradition sees seven students slamming three litres of milk in 30 seconds in an attempt to win free membership to the club.
Good times, right? Authorities sadly think otherwise, this week seeking to make Auckland's volcanoes alcohol and smoke free. While the change may seem respectful of the spiritual significance of the land, anyone who has ever enjoyed a durry and/or a beer on the crest of Mt Eden would surely agree the ban is an attack on civil liberties.
A controversial new art show in Wellington includes a painting of Captain Cook taking a shit in the bush. Intestinal Tract by Nigel Brown has been called "pathetic" and "disrespectful" by those critical of its anti-colonial message. Detractors add that "the only light it sheds on the period … is that, due to lack of public toilets in 1769-70, even great men had to do it in the woods." The artist however insists that the painting, which also shows a Maori watching and holding his nose, is an attempt to humanise Cook and show him warts and all.
It's been a bad week for hoons all over the country. Police stings in Hamilton resulted in three cars being seized, eight drivers being suspended, and 55 tickets being issued when police hit boy racer hotspots around the city. Street racing is a major pastime in the city as anyone who has spent a Friday night there would attest to, and enthusiasts were not impressed by the busts.
Staying in Hamilton, a group of trail bike riders has been terrorising the town by riding on footpaths and scattering pedestrians in their wake. Twice local police have attempted to pursue the riders but their attempts were thwarted both times. The chase continues.
As further proof hippies are immortal, a 90-year-old in Wellington is still teaching yoga, 70 years after she first began the practice. Tania Dyett credits the yoga, a vegetarian diet, and positive thinking for her continued good health and flexibility.
It wouldn't be a true New Zealand news round-up without livestock news, so here is a sheep who thinks he's a dog. Raised as if he were a pup from lambhood, Richard shares a bed with the other farm dogs, travels in the back of a ute, hates cats, and even eats sheep nuts. It's unclear if these are actual testicles or some kind of dry food.
And finally, a teacher in Porirua has beaten a student in a rap battle, one of the few avenues left in which teachers can legally assault students. The science teacher wore a white lab coat and glasses while battling with his 14-year-old opponent, and dropped sick lines such as "I can see that hurt like you got run over by my tractor, but if you take a three day boat ride, you can be on Tokelau X factor".
In related news, New Zealand's tractor association is reporting buoyant sales.
Follow Carolyn Wadey-Barron on Twitter: @wowcat9