What Food Would You Want to Be Cooked to Death In?

"Human Barbecue" by Obscenity.

Death is perhaps life's only inevitability. Sure, some people get married, most people get jobs, a lot buy houses in suicidally dull satellite towns and endlessly lament the fact they ever moved away from the city. But – crucially – only some. Everyone, however, dies. With that in mind, you'd have thought that the human race as a whole would have worked out more stimulating ways to tap out of life's no-holds-barred cage match. But we haven't; we're all just too terrified to contemplate dying so we don't put any thought into it at all.

I, however, have put some thought into it, and I've decided that I'd most like to die in a vat of my favourite food: chilli con carne. Imagine that – accepting death, looking around you, seeing your favourite food and just relishing in it. We can only dream. I wanted to know what other kinds of food people might want to die in, so I went to ask them.

Anders: Shit – noodle soup, maybe. Yeah, I'll go with hot noodle soup.

VICE: How would you die? Would the noodles strangle you to death?
Either they strangle me or I drown, I guess.

My favourite is spicy chicken noodle soup. Is that the one that kills you?
I’m vegetarian, so it’s not chicken. Although, I suppose I could get salmonella from the meat and die that way – so many options on how I could die. Good vibes.

I know, right?

Kim: Maybe barbequed. I don’t really want to die in general, though. I'd rather not think about it.

Think about it for just a little bit. Would you be skewered or just tossed onto the barbeque?
I would definitely be skewered and then barbequed at a Luau or beach party kind of thing. I’m definitely not a "cooked on a McDonald’s grill" kind of guy, that’s for sure. I want people to enjoy it when they eat me.

What kind of sauce would you be eaten with?
Hot, spicy, barbeque sauce.

Mattias: I’d say a pie. Or maybe a taco. Yeah – a hard shell taco.

Do you die from pieces of the hard shell impaling you like Doritos do to the roof of your mouth?
Yeah, I do. Or maybe I’d rather be eaten. Yeah, I’ve always wanted to be eaten by someone.

Have you always had cannibalistic fantasies?
Yes.

Okay then.

Joel: Like, a burrito or enchilada, or something. I imagine if I were in Mexico they would mince my body or chop me up first.

So you think all Mexicans are flesh-eating?
No, but I don’t think they would let me live if they were to put me in a burrito. That’s not the way they roll over there. I think they’d beat me and mince me before they ate me in a burrito, for sure.

Previously - Is Wine Tasting Bullshit?