A rush of articles (two) declared the cupcake dead after the ‘whoopie pie’ arrived in London and ravenous housewives body-slammed each other in the food hall at Harrods to get first dibs on this US import. One buyer said she loved the convenient sandwich-ness of whoopie pies, as they stopped her from getting frosting all over her greedy, bloated face. If you’ve reached the point where processing the basic motor skills involved in eating a fucking cupcake are a struggle, you have bigger things to worry about than baking.
That said, while I hate twee bakery fantasists that flap their hands around and faux-lose-their-shit over cake, this badboy recipe from Pennsylvania does taste like unicorns crapping concentrated rainbows into your mouth.
Sleepy Time Whoopie Pies
Invented by the Amish in honour of Whoopi Goldberg, whoopie pies are all the best bits of a cupcake reborn as sponge burgers smooshed together with about five kilos worth of sugar. With the filling sandwiched between chocolate mounds they’re also perfect for concealing all manner of badness…
100g caster sugar
2 x eggs
4 x tbsp cocoa powder
225g self raising flour
½ x teasp salt
1 x teasp vanilla extract
For the filling:
2 x egg whites
225g caster sugar
80ml cold water
1 x tbsp honey
1 x teasp vanilla extract
Food colouring, benzodiazepines.
You should be down with cake procedure now. Dump it in a bowl and mix it till it looks like all the other times I’ve told you. Jesus eff, it’s like we’re not even learning anything!
Plop your poopy mounds straight onto a baking tray and bake on 180c for a quarter of an hour.
Voila, perfect bunz.
Now for your glorious sugar cement. Put all the filling ingredients I told you about above into a heatproof bowl. So long as you’re not a ham-fisted giant there is no great secret to separating egg whites. Carefully coddle your chicken periods until all the snot-whites have dribbled in.
Furiously beat it all off over a pan of boiling water, the heat will cook the mix making sure you don’t get raw egg salmonella skitters.
You need to be beating it off continuously (*sigh*) until you’ve got a sweet mountain of Stay Puft man ectoplasm.
Now to destroy your sugar fluff mixture with food colouring and prescription drugs!
Your call, pussy. I’m not gonna push downers on anyone, but if you want to spend your crashing sugar junkie shakes awake, instead of contentedly dribbling all the liquid out of your body in a benzo coma, so be it.
The sleepy time pharmaceuticals should be crushed up fine enough to forget you have a problem but not so cray-cray an amount that you get that bitter alpraz aftertaste like you’ve been gargling with Courtney Love’s urine.
Finally, slop your sticky dream spooge onto the cooled pie halves, just enough for it to gently be poking out your pie crack.
There you have it; Judy Garland candy disguised in cute sugar buns of joy. Eat for brunch just in time for your eighteen-hour afternoon nap.
Previously: Girl Eats Food - Stuffed Burgers
Really fucking hungry? Check out Joanna Fuertes-Knight's (totally free) online cookbook! It's got every Girl Eats Food recipe ever in it.