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REPUBLIC OF TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO - KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON

I knew next to nothing about the Republic of Trinidad and Tobago until a few days ago, when my friend Jesper came back from a holiday there and babbled my head off about it. He went to visit a girl who just moved there for reasons unknown–well that's not quite true, because we all know she went there to "hang out" (

liming

in Trinidad English) with the notorious surfing hunks and whining (that's the name of the national dance) girls that inhabit the two islands off the coast of Venezuela. Besides being a transshipment point for South American drugs destined for the US and Europe, plus a large producer of cannabis, it's also the birthplace of steelpan, calypso, limbo, and soca music. Here's what else Jesper told me about it…

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Jesper found this machete under his bed. Trinidad and Tobago doesn't depend as much on tourism as the other Caribbean Islands since they have oil and petrochemicals, so they don't mind slicing up some nosy tourists now and then. At least they gave my buddy a weapon to make it a fair game. Welcome to Trinidad. Sleep tight.

Nothing beats a heads up on a large house scorpion. It kind of kills the surprise of the encounter when making hangover coffee, but it's always nice to know.

This airship circulates over the capital Port of Spain. It's owned by the Special Anti-Crime Unit of Trinidad & Tobago. Word on the beach is that they bought it from the Israelis. The locals call it Blimp. The eye in the sky is supposed to monitor drug activity and other suspicious behavior. Good luck with that.

Liming is the art of doing nothing. Jesper said they're pretty good at it. They even have a designated lime bench.

The girl who Jasper went to visit is in with the right people, so staying at a legendary punk house was no sweat. This place was built by a member (or maybe a producer, he couldn't remember with all the liming) of

Die Toten Hosen

in the 80s. Story goes that after building the palace he went on tour, and when he came back the place had been cleaned out–even the curtains were gone. That kind of did it for him, so he sold it. The Blimp is watching from a distance.

The Trinidadian wine cellar in the basement of the house. Two guys from Scotland live there now.

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The beaches are beautiful, the weather is great, and there are eagle eyes on shore ready to rescue you if a shark shows up … except not with this old rum beaver. Jesper said he was slamming drinks and joking around about it all day. I decided I instantly liked him, even though he'd probably let me drown in a heartbeat. I bet the only things those binoculars see are ass and tits.

I was kind of tuning him out, but I think Jesper said something about the roads and hills being rough on cars.

Da boys drink Stag and da women drink Carib--that's just the way it is.

Jesper finished off with these wise words from Trinidad and Tobago.

SIGURD KONGSHØJ LARSEN