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Vice Blog

CANADA - MAXIMIZING BOREDOM, MINIMIZING COOLNESS


I am a person who enjoys the simpler things in life. Picking scabs. Watching my cats play with bubble wrap. Naps. Playing Monopoly.

I realize that Monopoly doesn't sound that exciting. And I'm sure many of you will have stopped reading before this sentence, or are now in complete awe of how depressing my life is. But I assure you: I have had some near-death experiences fighting over the rules of Free Parking.

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For as long as I can remember, "Free Parking" has meant "Jackpot." Whenever the Community needs some astronomical sum for building repairs, or Chance has it that you've finally got to pay taxes on all those luxuries you've been hoarding, you pay it to the middle of the board. Then, when you land on Free Parking, you load the loot into your little pewter wheelbarrow and wheel it back to your house on Baltic Avenue.

But, time and time again, I have been challenged by those who maintain that Free Parking is just a "Resting Place." Riiiiiight you guys. A resting place…in the middle of a board game. Gee, I'm getting really tired pushing this thimble around. If only there were some place I could rest, and escape the pressures of real estate ownership, if only for a moment. Oh my God! Free Parking? Don't mind if I do!

I'm sure this will send many of you scrambling for your Monopoly Rule Books, where you will no doubt find concrete evidence to prove me wrong. And if you look in the Monopoly Rule Book under "Free Parking", you will see that it is, in fact, just a resting place. And yes. If you look in the dictionary under "wiener," you'll find a picture of yourself holding the Rule Book for Monopoly! Of course the rules say it's just a resting place. The rules are designed to maximize boredom, and minimize coolness. It's time to put down the rule book, and pick up a leather jacket, because you need some serious schoolin' in coolin'!

In conclusion, every time you use Free Parking as a resting place, an innocent top hat goes to jail.

AMELIA ALMEIDA