Tidbits

HAND JOB WORK GLOVES

Beating off old men in the backs of cars is a great way to make five bucks, but what if you're not a gay junkie? How are you supposed to grab that wet little wiener without your gag reflex going off? You're going to wear these protective gloves is what you're going to do, you little bitch. Now get in there and start givin' 'er.

IN-THE PINK GLOVES

Fingering rich old ladies is a great way to get new outfits, but what if you're not a gay junkie? What then? It doesn't matter, dude, the whole concept of rich old ladies paying for sex is an urban myth. Rich old ladies do not get horny. Working-class old ladies get horny, but all they have to do for a wet spot is go to Mantasia.

ADJUSTABLE COCK RING

Cock rings are for fags, but I gave this a try anyway. Holy shit, does it tear out some pubes. This thing sends so many jolts of pain to the bottom of your shaft, you might as well be skull-fucking the Motorhead logo. Jesus fucking Christ. It looked like a brushfire down there when I finally got this thing off.

CLOSET BOY

It's hard to be young and gay. You're barely sexual, and now you have to come to terms with the fact that you're a sexual deviant? What's "deviant" mean? That's where Closet comes in: dapper clothes and accessories for boys who are fucked up on the inside and don't want to show it on the outside.

SPRAY NUTS OFF

Male feminists swear by this stuff. Just give your crotch a quick dose, put on your Free Mumia shirt, your African pill hat, and some little badge that says "war=bad," and you're ready for the vigil.

COCKCHAFER

When you're 14, you masturbate about 16 times a day. You beat off until your dick is red and raw. It's a lot to handle. One way to prepare young men for this phase of their lives is to name toys things like "cockchafer," so when the day comes, they already have a vocabulary and can talk about stuff.

GOLDEN NUTS

We've said this a million times before: Men are not meant to be attractive. If you don't believe us, look at a bag. You can shave it, put powder on it, even lie in the sun until it's golden brown. It's still an alien head.

ZHENG YI

If you keep noticing the front of your underwear has a yellow hue to it, and no matter how carefully you wipe, there's always a toothpick-sized BMX track on the back, you are a fucking drunk loser (don't worry, I am too). Instead of walking around like the toddler of a negligent whore, just toss your underwear in the garbage every few hours and put on some freshies. It kind of feels like you're getting your life back together.

WIND-UP MASTURBATING GORILLA

Can you imagine how scary the person is who thinks this is funny? You can laugh all you want—I am fucking petrified. Looking at this thing is scarier than watching

The Omen

stoned.

PRETTY PINK CREAM

Dear girls of the earth, from now on you have to ask at least one of us before "improving yourself." Fake tits, flat stomachs, perfume, and makeup are not something we ever asked for, and now you want to make your nipples more pink? Who gives a shit what color a girl's nipples are? Bitch, we don't even care if you

have

nipples.

SMELL MY NUTS—BANANA NUT BREAD CANDLE

The weirdest thing about this is it's made by little old ladies in Long Island City. Since when are old ladies funnier than we are? What, do they hang out with Gary Brodsky as a joke and collect Mr. T stuff?