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Vice Blog

LOSING IS THE NEW BLACK

You already know how much

we love Lifetime's programming

. There is truly no better place to be than squished between

Drop Dead Diva

and

Cybill

. So when we were on vacation, lazily flipping through the channels of a giant flat-screen TV (it was a wedding gift, calm down) in a friend's new condo, we languored on the channel just cuz. Lo, it was the first episode of the new season of

Project Runway

and who was a contestant but our dear friend and

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Vice

fashion blogger

Ari Fish

. She's hip to the channel in all its fusty glory, but too bad Lifetime didn't appreciate her in return. That very first episode she was kicked off for weirding everyone out, including guest judge Lindsay Lohan, who made some comment about Ari being on another planet. Sure, skank has got plenty of room to talk. And after Ari left, people hit the roof, crying that there was no reason left to watch the show. Blogs and blogs and blogs

professed their love for her

, lots of whom wondered if she's gay just because she's kinda buff and looks like Samantha Ronson. Maybe

that's

why LiLo gave her the boot. (Oops, is that joke two months too late and dead on Twitter already?) Anyway, after Ari went bye-bye, the other weirdos ceremoniously followed, leaving the borings behind to compete in futility. WTF, Lifetime?

But Ari had the last laugh: her crazy, hooded, pewter deflated soccer ball sleeping bag mini-romper creation fetched the prettiest penny of all the inaugural designs on an

online auction

, proving to all that people don't want to see another motherfucking deconstructed shift dress. We wanted to interview Ari about her experience but the whole thing was so weird we didn't even know where to begin. So she interviewed herself. You were supposed to be reading this several weeks ago, but she had to sign all these papers saying her handlers had to approve everything that comes out of her mouth about the show for then next 365 days, and so it took a really long time to get this passed through them. Check out the super intense publicist notes if you don't believe us.

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Ari Fish: I know you get a lot of the same questions from reporters, so I am going to try to switch it up a little. Ariadne Fish:

Well, not to be bitchy, but that's what they all say, and still they manage to ask the same fucking questions.

Um…OK…Well…let me start off by asking you what were you thinking about when you were up there on the stage and it was just down to you and that nude outfit guy?

You really want to know, honestly?

Yeah, of course.

That song, you know the one where that lady is belting out "Don't cry out loud / Just hold it all in." That stupid song kept repeating over and over in my head. I swear to God, I have no recollection of ever hearing that song before. It freaked me out, like I was channeling some weird music mystic coping mechanism. It was so loud that it was hard to focus on the moment. I felt embarrassed because here I am, supposed to be basking in the fact that I am going to be eliminated on the most-viewed episode of

Project Runway

ever, and I can't even get a decent song stuck in my head. But I should also say that when I was in the work room working on my red carpet "look," that song by Natalie Merchant or that Sarah McGlocklin lady or however you say it, the one that goes, "I will remember you / You will remember me" kept on going through my head. It's like she was telling me I was a goner, you know?

So would you consider it a psychic premonition?

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No, I think I was just really tuned into the moment….or may be really tuned out. I can't quite gauge.

That had to be hard for you, going through that tense elimination.

Well, I knew I was going to get eliminated first. The wife of a Lakota chief foresaw it and told me so, and you can't really argue with that, can you? I telephoned her to catch up and she told me so, without knowing I was going to be on the show. I thought that was incredible. I mean, where does the conversation really go after you say something like that? But, no, it wasn't that hard being eliminated, it was harder knowing that I was going to be eliminated before I even flew out to LA for filming. My faith in the Lakota has increased tremendously.

What's with the handstand?

What the fuck is up with that handstand? I don't really know, and honestly do not recall doing that, especially not while everyone was sketching. I think that would have been oddly inappropriate, you know? So I have to say that was an editing thing. I do hand stands to stretch my back out and also I recently learned that whenever you are in a bind, and need to get an answer quick, do a handstand and it will help you reach an answer. I thinks it's that whole blood to the brain thing.

So how long had you been designing before you went on to the show?

About three days.

I'm impressed. Did you feel inadequate compared to the other contestants because you had been designing for such a short time beforehand? I know some of the them had tried out for the show several times.

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I feel that handicap actually placed me a step above the other contestants. I think it's best to start fresh, like the mind of a child, though young, the soul may be old. So with that said, I may have only been designing for three days beforehand but my soul was very experienced in the art of hemming and I really think that made all the difference, don't you?

Well, it got you eliminated didn't it? So, may be it wasn't so good?

My inexperience wasn't the thing that got me eliminated, it was that I think that Lindsay and Sam were having an off day.

Really? What? You really believe that crap? You know that was all over Twitter, don't you?

No, I wasn't aware of that.

Yeah, people were saying you look like Samantha Ronson.

Oh wait, I was referring to their relationship before. No, I wasn't aware that people were saying that we looked alike. I always thought I looked more like Mark Ronson, or even Charlotte Ronson, but not Samantha. That's disappointing.

But no, really, why do you think you were eliminated?

Damn, where was the buffer there? So blunt. You know, I don't know. Does that sound crazy? I mean you could easily say that my outfit was too weird, that I am too out there, too edgy…or whatever…but honestly I can't imagine my image and likeness being sandwiched between a made for TV movie starring Valerie Bertinelli and season three of

Designing Women

, which by the way is one of my favorite shows ever, and seasons for that matter. It really taught me how to be a woman

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[Publicist's note: the words, ideas, and opinions expressed by Ari Fish are in no way indicative of the brilliance that is Lifetime. And it should go without saying that Lifetime did indeed have a very strong positive influence on Ari's upbringing, If you have a problem with Lifetime, then deal with].

But I digress. No self-respecting avid Lifetime or even

ProRun

viewer wants to watch some twit bounce around in a unitard and say one liners concerning her "different" approach to fashion design. That's the long and the short of it. Let's get real here.

That's a bit harsh don't you think?

No, but I will say this…I think depending on how you edit it, anyone can win on that show and anyone can lose on that show. This is not just in reference to

Project Runway

by any means, this idea crosses over to life as well. Just like in the court room or in a debate, anything can be skewed or swayed depending on how you phrase it or how you present it. Your life can be complete shit, but with a little editing, where you only look at the good parts, it can be really amazing.

Wow, I never thought about it that way, that's really insightful.

Whatever.

No, you really seem down-to-earth and grounded about this whole experience.

I guess. But I've had a lot of time to sit back and think about it all. Nobody knows this, but it was actually filmed like seven years ago.

Project Runway

was supposed to originally air on Lifetime, but women weren't as powerful back in those days as they are now, so they gave it over to Bravo and this was the unaired season brought back to life because Quetzalcoatl is coming on and the women are coming to the forefront, taking back the power. You know?

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Really? Is that true?

No. Not entirely. I mean the part about Quetzalcoatl is. But I have had a lot of time to think about it all. It's been over a year now and so much has happened even since then.

Well…I do think you are taking all of this very well and you seem like a very strong person, very resilient.

I think when you have been through as much as I have, done as many mind altering substances as I have

[Publicist's note: It should also be stated that any reference to drug use by Ari Fish is solely fictional and should be taken as so, depending on who reads this]

, adjusted to so many uncertain and unagreeable realities, it's easy to look Michael Kors in the eyes and take any criticism in stride. You Know?

No I don't. What do you mean?

You know exactly what I mean, as you are me.

Oh yes, I get it now.