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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - MIDWEST MADNESS

Deep south, your number’s up. Obviously crazed with all the auto factory and other job layoffs, the Midwest has dethroned you as the region of choice for weird, trashy crimes. Check out what’s happened in the last few days…

Today Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, aka Howdy Doodie in a wig made of shoe polish and ape hair, was arrested for trying to sell Barack Obama’s soon-to-be vacant seat in the Senate, among other charges of bribe and fraud. Friday a student in Illinois was arrested for poking peers’ butts with pins in the hallways. In other Midwestern ass news, Nebraska’s "Butt Bandit," some pervo who smeared his cheeks and junk with Vaseline and rubbed a greasy moon print on public windows around town, was captured. Michigan takes the cake, with school field trips to view real-time autopsies, one of which led students to witness the slicing and draining of a 14-year-old girl in their same school district, plus the breakup of a house sex party in which a mother and her 16-year-old daughter were dancing pretty much naked with 19 prostitutes and 20 men who paid to be there. But the real proof shit’s gone completely bonkers out there: Chuck E. Cheese's, the kid-friendly mascot franchise for the Midwest, was so rowdy it earned itself more visits from the cops than any other restaurant in the last year.

The limb-chewing and sister-fucking usually happens when it's either really hot (that's your excuse, South) or really cold. But winter hasn't even fully hit yet, so we can't chalk up all this nonsense to cabin fever. What's going on, Midwest? You're supposed to be the heart of our nation, and minus the healthy dose of weirdos living in filthy compounds you're supposed nice and steady and utterly boring. Now you're starting to scare us.