I work in a dress boutique. I watch women wiggle and heave and bend and fold into and out of dresses all day. If I have learned anything from this job, it is that humans are sublime in all their imperfections. However, while watching women try on dresses, a lot of them bemoan certain spots they detest. A few abnormalities that are a huge bummer to hear:ARMPIT FAT
Everybody sobs about this squishy little pudge-smile. Actually, its a nice smile that reminds me of the slight grin of a felt puppet. Or an angel's bunz hole. Pick one or both, they are attractive spots to behold. Apparently its considered disgusting. You know what's disgusting? Blackheads in a jar. Next on the list:CANKLES
All this wailing about cankles being mannish. You know whats mannish? Tongue hair. There is so much pleasant stuff going on everywhere else on a woman, I usually forget she even owns ankles. They are like hinges or something--you notice the door, not the hardware. Third complaint:BACK FAT
If you aren't already going ape shit about perceived disfigurements in front, such as ARMPIT FAT, that back fat is there also to make you suicidal. I will argue here and now that all fleshy creases have potential for sexiness. Its not what actually is…it's what it could be. Is that not romance?When I was a kid I saw a ballerina with a severe burn scar on her back (maybe done purposefully in a S&M love ritual?), and though that felt frightening in my stomach the more I watched the silky abracadabra of her movement the more she seemed like a star. From then until now I have never seen a woman that I would consider unattractive. Ever. She could be crawling, like a centipede, pooping on a Slip 'N Slide, and bleeping and winking like a Furbee…STILL beautiful.You know what's not beautiful? A corn cob under your bed, with a spent little sample packet of Astroglide nearby. Actually, instead of worrying about armpit fat, cankles, and back fat, be aware of the harsher realities of attractiveness and sexiness that lurk under your bed. Check now! It could be the beginning of a new psychedelic joke: Sooooo, a corn cob, a tongue hair, and a jar full of blackheads are all under your bed. They walk into a bar. A drooling, Unitarian, sex addict riding a gangrenous yak stops in. The horse with the long face says…ADRIANE SCHRAMM
Everybody sobs about this squishy little pudge-smile. Actually, its a nice smile that reminds me of the slight grin of a felt puppet. Or an angel's bunz hole. Pick one or both, they are attractive spots to behold. Apparently its considered disgusting. You know what's disgusting? Blackheads in a jar. Next on the list:
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All this wailing about cankles being mannish. You know whats mannish? Tongue hair. There is so much pleasant stuff going on everywhere else on a woman, I usually forget she even owns ankles. They are like hinges or something--you notice the door, not the hardware. Third complaint:BACK FAT
If you aren't already going ape shit about perceived disfigurements in front, such as ARMPIT FAT, that back fat is there also to make you suicidal. I will argue here and now that all fleshy creases have potential for sexiness. Its not what actually is…it's what it could be. Is that not romance?When I was a kid I saw a ballerina with a severe burn scar on her back (maybe done purposefully in a S&M love ritual?), and though that felt frightening in my stomach the more I watched the silky abracadabra of her movement the more she seemed like a star. From then until now I have never seen a woman that I would consider unattractive. Ever. She could be crawling, like a centipede, pooping on a Slip 'N Slide, and bleeping and winking like a Furbee…STILL beautiful.You know what's not beautiful? A corn cob under your bed, with a spent little sample packet of Astroglide nearby. Actually, instead of worrying about armpit fat, cankles, and back fat, be aware of the harsher realities of attractiveness and sexiness that lurk under your bed. Check now! It could be the beginning of a new psychedelic joke: Sooooo, a corn cob, a tongue hair, and a jar full of blackheads are all under your bed. They walk into a bar. A drooling, Unitarian, sex addict riding a gangrenous yak stops in. The horse with the long face says…ADRIANE SCHRAMM