FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

LONDON - TED GOES TO gAyTP

We got our drunk metrosexual friend Ted to write about his time at the ATP vs Pitchfork music festival this past weekend. Here's what he sent in:
Hi! I'm Ted. I'm the one wearing a pink T-shirt, flesh-coloured shorts, and luminous green socks. I had never been to ATP before, but I decided to go to this one because 14 of my best buddies were all staying in one (six bed) chalet. I also heard it might be sunny and there would be lots of beer and girls. I wore this stupid outfit in the hope that looking like the funnest guy at the festival might get me laid…

Advertisement

Here are some stats to set the scene: Capacity = 3500
Guy/girl ratio = 9/1
Sonic Youth 'Goo' T-shirts sighted = 9
Black people sighted = 7
Biggest idiot = Me

I expected ATP vs Pitchfork to be populated by identikit indie boys wearing Vans,  Levis, band T-shirts, plaid shirts, and (optional) horn-rimmed glasses. And I was right. I didn't expect there to be such a desperate scarcity of girls, which was evident as soon as I arrived at the camp and walked around. It was like being in male barracks. Little did I know what a indie-rock cockfest my ATP experience was to become.

- Click to enlarge photos -

From left: Yeasayer, Vampire Weekend, No Age

Vampire Weekend were one of the four bands I knew who were playing, so I tried to catch their set on Friday afternoon. Unfortunately for them, the weather was so amazing that I decided to just get obnoxiously drunk on the lawn, blast Italo Disco anthems like this, and try my utmost to be the most annoying cunt at ATP.

I missed all the bands that night, opting instead to spend all my time drinking in the pub, which kindly stayed open until 6am. When I finally trudged back to our chalet there were ten guys sleeping on the floor of the living room, kitchen and bathroom. It was pretty smelly.

The trip quickly descended into a "lads on tour" holiday, with ATP as our Club 18-30, and the "lads" more like middle-class wankers from Shoreditch. Everyone thought we were tossers and we tried our best not to disappoint.

Advertisement

I woke up on Saturday looking like I'd been in a fight. I had a black eye following a pissed-up wrestling contest with a friend, and my balls were badly bruised due to an accident on the rope swing (scrotum photo).

It was the hottest day of the year so we, along with everyone else on the south coast of England, descended on the beach. It was really gross, littered with empty packets of crisps and obese white people burning red in the sun. The best tattoo we saw belonged to a guy who had "MUM" tastefully written in gothic font on his back. (See photo)

After that we went for food at a nearby cafe. My friend asked the waitress if they had any vegetarian options. She replied: "I fucking hate vegetarians… and Muslims… I don't mind the blacks though." We quickly ate our food and headed back to the festival campsite.

Yeasayer made my favourite album last year, and I was genuinely excited to see them. However, they were on at 5pm (prime boozing time), so I was too busy trying to out-fun everyone on the grass outside to even think about venturing into a sweltering venue.

From left: Les Savy Fav, Jay Reatard, Black Lips

Later on that night I did eventually manage to see some bands. Les Savy Fav were pretty good. When they finished their set they asked the crowd to "transfer the energy downstairs" to where the Black Lips were about to start (the video below follows singer Tim Harrington beating a drum from the main stage, down the stairs, and onto the second stage where the Black Lips were about to start).

Advertisement

Turns out the Black Lips don't need any extra energy from anyone. They were best band of the weekend by miles. I had a dozen pints of beer showered over me in the chaos and loved every moment.

After that I stumbled upstairs and danced to Hot Chip until I was blackout drunk. I remember nothing past that point, but I was told I was being a total asshole, screaming obscenities at strangers as I was escorted back to my chalet.

I woke up on Sunday and spent a whole hour puking and shitting at the same time, which wasn't fun. To address my hollow emptiness, I ate three cheese and salami sandwiches, a pizza slice, and four burgers. I also avoided intoxicants until after midnight.

I heard a few bands in between making trips to the toilet that day. To me they all sounded like Sonic Youth (No Age) or the Lemonheads (Meat Puppets). Later on I went to a few chalet parties, but eventually gravitated towards the pub, because that's where the single girls were, or so I hoped. (They weren't)

Overall, ATP was a really great and I'll definitely go again. Hopefully next year they'll book some bands that girls like.

TED

Photos by Queenie and Pete
Video by Amy Leverton