Today is the most thrilling day in the English musical calender, the day the Mercury Music Prize winner 2010 is announced. In case you have any outstanding queries about the award, its legacy, or its organization, here are our answers to some frequently asked questions.Q: Is the winner historically the one who no one will suspect?A: No. Historically, the winner is the one who everyone suspected that no one would suspect.Q: How do the judges arrive at a longlist?A: Judges exclusively consult the Album Of The Month column inTop Gear Magazine. This gives them twelve records to choose from, of which, after careful debate, they discard three. The token jazz record is chosen separately: the names of all jazz albums of the year are put on individual strips of paper, then blown around inside a glass box. The first one that Jools Holland catches becomes the year's entry.Q: What is the formula by which the judges arrive at their decision on the winner?A: (2[topicality] + 4[It's their turn]) x (press momentum/100) x (genre-ghetto rotation-system constant) + ([how much the judges had from the dessert trolley] – [a blood-sugar constant]) x ([the odds at William Hill] – [the-media-loves-an-upset constant])Q: What has been the greatest upset in Mercury history?A: The 1995 absence of a dessert trolley still ranks as the most upsetting scene in Mercury history. Indeed, even M People's victory couldn't overshadow the fact that many of the participants had to stop off at Waitrose on their way home for some tiramisu. Amidst the fallout, Dominic Mohan headbutted a waiter, and Steve Sutherland nearly deep-fried another.Q: How many people, approximately, will be tweeting live from the Mercurys?A: There will be approximately 150 tweeters.Q: What sorts of insights can I expect from these tweeters?A: "Hayden Thorpe just ordered another bottle of wine. Messy!"; "Wild Beasts just helped me find my seat, what gents!"; "Lauren Laverne – a national treasure surely", and so on.Q: At what point in the evening should I start ruminating about how These New Puritans were robbed?A: It is important to get your nod to a cool young band who failed to make the shortlist in before any of your fellow Mercury fans. Write it on a t-shirt if you want to avoid the possibility that someone you meet may open their mouth before you.Q: What should I say about diversity?A: "Diversity is great! It's a real melting pot this year again!"Q: What has happened to last year's winner, Speech Debelle?A: Speech Debelle has gone to a big farm in the country where she can run around and be happy all day long. No we can't go and visit her. Because I say so, that's why.Q: What does the inclusion of Dizzee Rascal's shittiest album say about the state of UK urban music?A: The official line is that it shows that we no longer lag behind the Americans as we have in the past, (try not to repeat this paper-thin lie to Americans as they're not complete idiots).Q: What do popstars generally do with the money they win from the Mercury Prize?A: Most invest in buy-to-let property. With interest rates at historic lows, councils ceasing to build social housing, and mass-immigration leading to ever-tighter population densities, the profitability of investing in buy-to-let property has never been more obvious. Many use letting agents as intermediaries between themselves and the tenants, and thereby spread risk.Q: Which adds more to sales: the Mercury Prize, or a Brit Award?A: The curious answer is that neither adds nearly as much, pound for pound, as a Gold Star Rating fromWhich? Magazine.Which? Magazineprovides well-indexed tables comparing the features on a range of contemporary music, guiding casual consumers through the vagaries of popular culture on a star-rating basis. Their "minutes of music per quantity of melodies" index remains the gold standard for British beat shoppers.Q: I'm a music journalist, what should I write about the contestants?A: Try throwing some soft clichés at the page and hope that your editor hasn't enough time/endeavour to demand that you do some real work. Eventually your feature should look like this:DIZZEE RASCAL – TONGUE IN CHEEKSir, with these mega-pop-songs, you are making us Dizzee!His third album has really seen pop star Dizzee Rascal soar to the heights of pop royalty with his well-crafted pop songs aimed at a pop audience. Say what you will about his progression from the grime-isms of his youth, but Tongue in Cheek is guaranteed to get you strutting your stuff!THE XX – XXHipsters prove they're more than just a trendy fad!They may not look like pop stars, but this record is the crossover success story of the year. A melange of heartfelt beats and sweet soul pop sounds guaranteed that this trio made fans of both the cool kids and their parents!For further assistance, consult the Vice Reader's and Writer's Guide To Reading Writing About Music. Q: What do I say about the fact that Scottish emo now represents the vanguard of British music? A: It's great to see the judges climb down from their towers of snobbery and reward some shit music for a change. Q: Which 70s and 80s pomp-rock singer is the Mercury Prize named after? A: The Mercury Prize is named after Bryan Mercury, lead singer of The Mercury Martians, a popular Glitter Band covers outfit from north Leicester. Q: What will happen if Laura Marling wins? A: Probably something like this:Q: At what point in the night do the judges come to a final decision? A: It depends, the 2006 announcement that Arctic Monkeys had won was made three months before the album had been completed, whereas the 1999 Talvin Singh decision was made by Jools Holland as he opened the envelope on stage. Later he said about his wild decision: "I opened the envelope, read the name Black Star Liner and flipped out. I was sick of merely being the powerless figurehead of the awards and decided to stir that shit up."DICKIE TUMMY
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