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Vice Blog

GLASTONBURY - HOVA, MUDAFUCKAZ!


Hey people at Glastonbury (not that anyone at Glastonbury will be reading this). Are you guys looking forward to watching Jay-Z in the unforgiving rain with lots of people who hate him? I really hope it rains. Please rain. Anyway, we were just Googling to see if anyone has erected a burning effigy of Jay-Z yet when we came across this parodic piece entitled "99 problems but my pitch ain't one". If you didn't guess, it's a list of close to a hundred predicaments the rapper might face at everyone's fave festival…

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Ignoring the fact that it's written in the style of a deranged 12-year-old Rick James impersonator, there are still a number of major flaws with it.

It starts off surprisingly well.

1. I ain't even know where Glastonbury is.

It could well be Jay-Z writing at this point. After this though, things quickly take a turn for the worse.

5.They sayin' that I can't bring my guns on to the site.

18. There's no Roscoe's House of Chicken'n'Waffles anywhere on site. They lied to me!

Hahaha, yeah, these are really funny because rappers like guns and chicken, right? Everyone knows that. Guns and chicken: two things that every rapper cannot live without. What else do all rappers love, I wonder …

23. There don't seem to be no lap-dancing tent.

Okay, we get it. Rappers are stupid, they lack morals, etc. We've taken that on board. Following this, we hit a patch where the writer gives up trying to continue his poor attempt at Ebonics.

50. My socks have gotten all damp, giving rise to concerns about trenchfoot and similar malaises.

59. Somebody stole the ermine insoles out of my wellingtons.

By the end, the journalist has given up trying to mimic Jay-Z and instead writes down his own musings.

97. Rap music does not always translate well to a live environment.

The writer has now become Jay-Z. He is no longer contemplating "What would I think if I was Jay-Z?" but instead writing whatever he likes. Fuck Jay-Z. Fuck hip-hop. Now, for the finale …

99. I'm out of pear cider.