The 'Neighbours' Tour Convinced Me the Show Will Get Cancelled Any Day Now

Neighbours is an iconic Australian soap opera set in the fictional suburb of Erinsborough, Melbourne. Fun fact: Erinsborough is a "loose anagram" of the word Neighbours. I learned this and many more things on a three hour official Neighbours set tour, which I went on by myself last week because I am a moderate fan of the show and huge fan of sitting on a bus. As far as Wednesday mornings go, it was fine.

So, I like Neighbours, I guess. I feel something for Neighbours. But also, I haven't watched an episode of Neighbours since 2008, nor have I tuned in to Neighbours regularly since around 2005. It was something I'd switch on back in the day because I was waiting for Big Brother to start, and Australia didn't have Netflix yet. But even on a tour explicitly designed for the pleasure of the most crazed Neighbours mega fans, it turned out I wasn't alone in my lack of up-to-date Neighbours knowledge. Actually, it seemed the tour only confirmed what I had already suspected: that Neighbours, and its peculiar vision of community-minded Australiana, just isn't connecting in 2016.

The day began at a tourist centre that also offered a bunch of non-Neighbours-related tourist experiences. Most of these seemed to involve either a nice beach or a koala. They looked fun. If I was a backpacker on a limited budget, maybe I'd choose to throw my money at some cute fairy penguins over a bus ride to the suburbs, but what do I know? The Neighbours tour was sold out.

Waiting to depart, I loitered with my fellow Toadie and Dee fans in the lobby, where they were sellingNeighbours-branded water bottles, CDs, and magnets. Nobody bought anything, but it was nice to have the option.

Our tour guide, Sophie, introduced herself as we boarded a non-distinct white mini-bus. She also handed us Neighbours 30th anniversary commemorative postcards, promising that a "mystery cast member" would sign them later. Then she asked us where we were from. Predictably, everyone on the tour was from the United Kingdom, including Sophie.

The second question Sophie asked the bus was if anyone was still watching the show. Sadly, she seemed to know the answer already. No. On average, it seemed like most of us had last enjoyed an episode around five to 10 years ago.

This, it turns out, was but a taste of several uncomfortable moments to come that would serve to highlight just how far Neighbours has fallen in the eyes of a viewing public whose television tastes have been heightened by the rise of HBO and Real Housewives. Neighbours is profoundly bland viewing—the violence is devoid of gore, the sex is never explicit. In 2016, religiously tuning in to a soap opera every night feels like a chore. Even for nan, I suspect.

Mainly, it seemed, everyone on the tour was there for nostalgia. We all had fond memories of watching Neighbours with our mums. A lot of people were going on the tour simply so they could get photos for some far away grandmother in Essex. A pilgrimage for Nan. If you're one of these people I say, "Don't worry about Nan. Nan is fine. Nan won't mind if you don't make it to Ramsay Street on your once-in-a-lifetime visit to the Antipodes. You flew 24 hours to get here. Please go and pat a kangaroo or something."

First stop was the Neighbours studios—where the real Neighbours magic happens. A security guard let the bus through the gates as it began to lightly rain. They turned out to be nondescript and, in what would become a recurring theme on the tour, rather bleak looking. We paused at a carpark with a razor wire fence, which is used to film jail scenes. It's also where cast members park their cars. By the looks of the cars, no one on the show is exactly raking in the big bucks.

Neighbours exists in a unique sphere also inhabited by British soap operas like Coronation Street. It's total fantasy but, at the same time, deeply concerned with portraying a working class reality. Shock deaths and cliffside car crashes aside, the culs-de-sac and frontages of shitty cafes are still meant to resemble some kind of Real Australia. You know, the Australia that has a mullet and a VB in its hand. The one fromThe Castle.

But of course, the Real Australia doesn't actually exist. "It's very sunny on the show but it always rains here, I've noticed," one British tourist said to another as we all walked politely around the set, straining to recognise anything familiar from the show. She was not wrong. I actually have no idea why tourists come to Melbourne. It's a bit rubbish here. Our beaches are all kind of brown-looking.

The supposed highlight of the set tour was meeting our "mystery cast member." He turned out to be ponytailed hunk Travis Burns, who plays suburban bad boy mechanic Tyler Brennan on the show. Unfortunately, as no one watches Neighbours anymore, nobody knew who he was. There were several awkward minutes when he appeared out of nowhere and everyone ignored him, assuming he was just a latecomer to the tour. Still, we all lined up for autographs and photos when Sophie explained the situation.

Travis seemed cool. He seemed very in on the joke, if you know what I mean. Although he didn't give me a lot of confidence about the future of Neighbours. It was the last week of filming for the year, but he was anxious to point out that the cast will be making mini "webisodes" to keep viewers interested over the summer months. There was a strange desperation in his eyes.

The golden years of Neighbours have been over for some time, that much was clear. Even our tour guide had seen the writing on the wall—she told me this was her last week of leading the tour, after eight years in the game. She was moving to the Gold Coast. She was getting out. I felt pretty happy for her.

Last stop was Ramsay Street, real name "Pin Oak Court." When the bus pulled up, there were actually two renegade British tourists already taking photos there, staging their own unofficial off-brand Neighbours tour. A security guard from a private firm that's paid to monitor the street 24 hours a day was chatting amiably with them. I couldn't help thinking that this couple saved a lot of money but, on the other hand, they did not get a signed postcard from Travis. You can't put a price on that. Although actually you can, and it's $59.

We all hopped out and got photos in front of House of Trouser. It was great. I spoke to these two British tourists, both called Hannah, who explained that Neighbours was part of what inspired them to visit Australia. "I was actually quite surprised that Melbourne had skyscrapers," said the Hannah on the right. "I thought it was all like this."

On the bus home, Sophie was understandably tired of talking about Susan and Karl's troubled marriage ("such a naughty man!"), so we watched a DVD. It was a documentary about Neighbours that contained footage of Kylie Minogue with a perm, and also some kind-of-famous celebrities talking about how Neighbours changed their lives—Paula Abdul was in it. Delta Goodrem was in it. I don't know.

Sophie described the tour at several points as "the cheesiest thing you will ever do," but I think the tour could have been a lot cheesier. I came out of the whole experience feeling a distinct lack of cheese—a cheese deficit, really. It turns out that if you get rid of all the car crashes and wedding deaths, Neighbours is just a bunch of NIDA graduates hanging out in a car park, pretending it's a jail. It actually isn't very interesting.

I think that if the tour was really trying to be cheesy, I would have got to meet Toadie. I love Toadie. I would have recognised Toadie. Where were they hiding Toadie?

When embarking on the Neighbours tour, I thought I'd learn something. I hoped I would have a valuable piece of wisdom to impart by the end of it, such as "The Australian dream is dead!" or "Don't you think it's weird that a show about suburban Melbourne features only white people?" or "Is this really the best we can do to show our British tourists a good time?" or "In my darkest moments, I'm nostalgic for the Howard era." Honestly though, I'm low on insight. If anything, I came out of the tour with less insight into my own culture. I came out numb.

The Neighbours tour, overall, was just… okay. I think most people on it genuinely enjoyed themselves, even though they don't even watch the show anymore. Everyone got photos with the Ramsay Street street sign, and they seemed to like that. By the end of it there was quite a lot of camaraderie, people helping each other get profile pictures underneath Karl and Susan's archway, talking about their favourite episodes and plot twists. A neighbourly spirit, if you will, pervaded.

Oh, and hey—this show is definitely getting cancelled. Seriously. Any day now.

Follow Kat on Twitter