This Gigantic Wine-Filled Stocking Is Here to Help You Cope With the Holidays

Apparently, all anyone needs to endure the next month-plus is a thin sheet of food-grade plastic, and 70 ounces of clearance-aisle quality wine.
November 27, 2019, 12:00pm

Although every FOX News host with a functional larynx seems to believe that the holiday season is the most important time of the year, it's OK to admit that it's just not for you. For some people, the entire month of December is an over-decorated, ironic sweater-wearing, fa-la-la-la-leg humping of the worst parts of capitalism, the part of the calendar that forces everyone to spend a couple of weeks cosplaying as slightly better versions of themselves, before they go back to being jackholes.

For whatever reason—and someone always wants you to explain why—you don't celebrate the holidays as much as you just endure them. You're the Grinches whose enlarged hearts are less a sign of personal growth, and more just an undiagnosed medical condition. You think Love Actually is ack-tua-lly two hours of misogynistic shit. You'd shatter a Cybertruck's windows with your own face if it meant you'd never hear that Mariah Carey song again. And, after opening two holiday cards, you're already convinced that every infant comes out looking like Wilbur Ross.

All of that is fine— it's 100% fine—but a company called Fairly Odd Novelties wants to help you through it all, anyway. The people who sell a set of urinal-shaped shot glasses and a wine stopper that looks like a man's oddly cylindrical dick is wedged into the neck of your Cupcake Chardonnay have also designed a giant plastic stocking that will both hold and dispense two liters of wine.

The stocking, which weighs four-and-a-half pounds when it's filled to capacity, is tastefully printed with a snowflake motif, and the words "We Wish You a Merry Christmas & A Happy Hangover" stretch from the heel to the midfoot. "[T]his hanging booze dispenser is the perfect addition for your next big holiday party," the $7.99 stocking's Amazon listing says. "Simply fill the bag with your favorite beverage and hang it on the mantle just like you would a normal stocking and you're good to go."

So apparently all anyone needs to endure the next month-plus is a thin sheet of food-grade plastic, and 70 ounces of clearance-aisle quality wine. When your partner's boss corners you beside the dessert table to shout conspiracy theories about Greta Thunburg, gently squeeze the dispenser on the toe of the stocking into your glass. When your 49-year-old aunt rolls up for dinner wearing an "OK Boomer" sweatshirt, grabs her phone and tells everyone to "Say hi to TikTok," gently squeeze the dispenser directly into your open mouth. And before the guy who just got back from Dreamforce can finish saying the words "dopamine fast," slice the top off the goddamn stocking and dunk your whole head inside it.

No, the holidays aren't for everyone, but with four pounds of stocking wine, we can all get through it. But everything in Love Actually except Emma Thompson and Jodi Mitchell can still fuck off.